Blowing Smoke: A movie about poker, cigars, women, and getting screwed

X-Files movie trailer

The subtitle is I Want to Believe. Well, I want to believe the movie is a lot more engrossing than this trailer, because I couldn't watch beyond the first ten seconds.

Megan Fox goes topless for her craft

And her craft is being a trashy, tatt-covered slizutt. Hey, the world needs those, too.

Dennis Farina tries to bring loaded gun onto plane

If it were any other celebrity, I'd be ripping them a new one over the stupidity necessary to do something like this "accidentally". But the fact is that my shame is greater than Farina's, because I am hereby outing myself as having a crush on him. Even creepier, I've had a crush on him since I was about ten.

Thinking about it just now, I pondered how unusual it was for me to find the hotness in someone with such bad skin. Then I remembered that I also have soft spots for Bill Murray and James Woods, so...Guys, it just goes to show that there's always a girl out there who's as screwed up as you are ugly.

Whaddaya mean, "nearly"?

Ben Affleck: "Jenny From The Block Video Nearly Ended My Career"

Spaced remake for US TV is a no-go

That sound you hear is me breathing a huge sigh of relief. (And maybe also a little belching in Nikki Finke's general direction. I hate linking to someone like her.)

I've got good news and bad news

The bad news: Comedy Central is bringing back The Gong Show.

The good news: The host is... Dave Attell!

The more I think about this, the more perfect it sounds. If you're old enough to remember The Gong Show but young enough not to have hated it at the time, you remember that Chuck Barris always seemed to have a soft spot for the trainwrecks and losers who were brave enough to humiliate themselves on national TV. Yeah, he was mocking them, but it never seemed mean.

Attell did the same thing on Insomniac. You know, the show where he'd go to various cities and see what the people did there at night. He'd go bar-hopping and visit various night-shift jobs, and he'd talk to the sorts of people you don't normally see on TV. Y'know. Human filth. He could talk to pretty much anybody and make it interesting, and it never seemed mean even when he was making fun of them. He'll be the perfect host for this.

Attell + Gong Show = Me watching.

John Mayer: Ditch the day job

I say that only because his music is so vile. Better to have him as an aspiring comedian, methinks. Bonus: Kristen Bell!

Jim Treacher hates the use of "fail" as a noun

I don't care, because Fail Dogs is awesome and this one reminded me of him. In the most adorable way possible, obviously.

Best headline ever (redux)

It's from the BBC, and yet somewhat NSFW. You gotta click through to see it, though.

Jacob? Hello! Jacob?

Tonight's episode: "Cabin Fever." The "Cabin" part, I'm guessing, is the nutty cabin that only Hurley can find. The "Fever" part is the hotness of Jack's hairless torso. Oh wait, that was last week. And it was very creepy. Do you suppose he had to get waxed so he could wedge himself into his Racer X uniform? Or was it just a personal request from Larry/Lana Wachowski? The more I think about it, the less I want to think about it.

Anyway. Livebloggening commencificate!

Lost liveblog reminder

I'm liveblogging Lost again tonight. Somebody out there is reading these, presumably.

If I'm going to be a pathetic GTA addict, I might as well get a post out of it

I don't play a lot of video games these days, but GTA IV has me jonesing like a heroin fiend. Besides the addictive gameplay and the pleasure of zooming through the city in stolen cars and beating complete strangers to death in the street with an aluminum baseball bat, the game's storyline and characters are surprisingly compelling. SPOILERS AHEAD:

]]> When Elisabeta (the funloving coke dealer) pulled out that gun and shot Manny (the former rapper who comes back to "clean up" his old neighborhood and making sure everybody knows about it) and his video director in the back of the head, I was totally astonished.

Manny didn't feel like a character in a video game. He was a well fleshed-out character, from the writing to the (I'm assuming) motion-capture acting. He was a vain, self-aggrandizing, ineffectual fool, but I kind of liked him and I felt bad he went out like that. It was the most shocking death I can remember in any medium since Tony Soprano strangled Ralphie in his own kitchen.

And the way Niko disposes of the bodies is noir as shit. When the shady doctor says he can sell their organs on the black market and it'll help a lot of people, Niko says, "Manny always talked about how he wanted to help the streets... maybe now he actually can." Damn. Niko is one ice-cold dude. When they make the movie, I'm thinking... Clive Owen?

Oh, and the music is great too. There's probably more to listen to on the radio in this game than in the real NYC. And I had no idea Russia had rappers...

The dumbest family in America

Well, that may be stretching it, but you guys are total Einsteins compared to this brood of dim bulbs. No offense.

Lindsay Lohan's new single is beyond awful

No, seriously: Calling this shitty is an insult to turds.

Goddamn Spencer Pratt

This worthless celebrity is growing on me! Here's his advice on how to tell if a girl is up for buttlove:

If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool.

He may just be my hero. Kill me NOW.