And her craft is being a trashy, tatt-covered slizutt. Hey, the world needs those, too.

She acts like a lunatic because...of the weather.

The sun makes people do crazy things.

The next time I get busted for drunk and disorderly and possession of a controlled substance, I'm totally using that excuse.

Her real name is Danielle Fishel, but I know you all were as into Boy Meets World as I was. She will always be Topanga to me. I still wonder if she had a sister named Van Nuys.

Anyway, I always thought she was cute as hell and still do. She's 27 today, so a bit over the hill, but can still work it as a slightly squat version of Angelina Jolie. I think that's the highest praise she's ever received...and I'm being kind not to go into the sordid details of how she begged Lance Bass to pop her cherry.

She just turned 60, and celebrated by getting two tattoos. In her words:

Why not?

If you have to ask that about an old woman - even one who looks as good as Sarandon - getting inked on her saggy skin, well, you're already lost. So yeah, why not?

This series is just begging for some clever captions. But something about the faintly ridiculous meeting the totally ridiculous makes the pictures worthwhile even without words.

Actress nobody cares about, who starred in a show that's no longer on TV, got herself a kid birthed by somebody else...three months ago. Oh, and she named it after the place where I buy my socks. FASCINATING!

She's 67 today, but I prefer to remember her like this. They just don't make sex kittens of this variety anymore. Sure, she was a Swedish import, but I have no idea where we'd go to bring this kind of hotness into the US these days.

Seriously: Would you still hit it? From the front?

Aw, it's always precious when a starlet flashes her cooch for the first time. Emma Watson did it while leaving her 18th birthday party, totally pushing the "barely legal" envelope. Nice work, Watson!

Someone broke into a sex store in the LA area, skipped the cash register and made a beeline for the replicas of Jenna Jameson's ass and snatch. We have lots of readers and, erm, associates in the LA area, and I hope for your own good that none of you are culpable here. As Michael K says:

$250 for Jenna's fake pussy?! If you wait a few years, you can get the real thing for like $100 on Sunset Blvd.

A Russian tabloid that published a story claiming that President Vladimir Putin had left his wife to marry a 24-year-old former Olympic gymnast suspended operations on Friday, sparking fresh criticism about withering press freedoms in Russia.

"We proved that Russia is not a democracy," Igor Dudinsky, first deputy editor of Moskovsky Korrespondent, which ran the story earlier this month, said Sunday.

Word is that the Russian president might be leaving his wife of 25 years for former rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva. Which is silly. Why would ol' Vlad want this:

When he can have this:

Seriously, though...

She must flip through the Kama Sutra and be like, "YAWN LOL"

It's just crazy enough to work!

(Does PETA know about this?)

Amber Tamblyn, 24, and David Cross, 44, make out at a party

Wants to be a missionary, that is. Supposedly. Lindsay's spotlight-shunning father told In Touch (and Showbiz Tonight, and The McLehrer News Hour):

She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along...We also deal with helping AIDS victims.

Hey, that AZT doesn't pay for itself. No wonder Lindz wants to tag along.

At Defamer: Debunking the Marilyn Monroe 'Sex Tape' Hoax

Like I said. What, this Keya Morgan guy has got this film of her, but he can't show you the proof because he sold it to some millionaire? Who chooses to remain conveniently anonymous? Out of respect for Monroe, which is why Morgan's going all over the place blabbing about it? Right.

That dummy's just trying to promote a Monroe documentary he's working on. He also claims to have dated Renee Zellwegger and Mariah Carey. Wackjob. Defamer's got the whole story. And I do mean the whole story. It's more like a magazine article than the usual Defamer post.

Good thing this Morgan dipshit waited a couple of weeks, or nobody would have believed it in the first place.

The NY Post is claiming a new film has surfaced of Marilyn Monroe blowing a guy before she was famous:

An illicit copy of the steamy, still-FBI-classified reel -- 15 minutes of 16mm film footage in which the original blond bombshell performs oral sex on an unidentified man -- was just sold to a New York businessman for $1.5 million, said Keya Morgan, the well-known memorabilia collector who discovered the film and brokered its purchase.

The footage appears to have been shot in the 1950s. When it came to light in the mid-'60s, then-FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover had his agents spend two weeks futilely trying to prove that Monroe's sex partner was either John F. Kennedy or Robert F. Kennedy, according to declassified agency documents and interviews, Morgan said.

This Morgan douche claimed he found the son of a "confidential FBI informant" who still had the flick stowed away in a safe deposit box, and he brokered the sale to a "wealthy New York businessman who wants to keep this unseemly part of Monroe's past buried." So in other words, this movie has been sitting around for over 50 years, he's one of the only people who's ever seen it, and he has no proof. And he's talking to the Post. Sounds fishy to me, no pun intended. I'll believe it when I see it.

She's going to go nude in an indie film to prove she's a "mature actress". Mature as in old? There is absolutely no reason to get naked in order to prove that.

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn aren't getting divorced after all. I had just about given up hope that two crazy kids could make it in this topsy-turvy world. But now everything's gonna be okay. I predict that these two are never going to have any problems ever ever ever ever again.

Unfortunately, she also talks about her baby weight, which is a rather less sexy topic...Unless you're a freak with a fetish, which, look who I'm blogging for! Say what you will about me, but I know my audience. Enjoy.

A woman who showed up Sunday outside John Cusack's Malibu home -- despite a restraining order barring her from approaching the actor -- was arrested on suspicion of stalking, Los Angeles County sheriff's officials said Monday...

Emily Leatherman, 33, was booked on suspicion of felony stalking, violating a restraining order and petty theft...

A year ago, Leatherman was arrested outside the Beverly Hills home of Tom Cruise, also on suspicion of violating a restraining order.

Hey, Cusack started it:

Eat pavement, Parasite.

A small British sportswear manufacturer does not have the support* of Time Warner:

Lawyers from Hanna-Barbera, owners of the [Scooby-Doo] cartoon, have squared up to a firm called Booby Doo, which makes sports bras.

Booby Doo’s owners want to register the name as a trademark. But the lawyers, representing the multinational Warner Bros, say it sounds too much like the name of their doggy detective.

Other proposed names for the brassieres: Jonny Chest, the Banana Splints, and of course Quick Bra McGraw.

Do you think Hanna-Barbera will have a problem with my upcoming line of genital jewelry, The Clitstones?

*GET IT???

Egotastic has a bunch of pictures of Sarah Larson at the Rehab II nightclub in Vegas last year, plying her trade as, well, a drunken slut:

...until recently, her modeling career consisted mostly of being paid by promoters for clubs, magazines and radio stations to attend special events in sexy outfits and party with her wild girlfriends!

Good work if you can get it! It's easy to make fun, but hey... why wouldn't he?

Go figger.

Paul McCartney's ex-wife really is trying to make herself the most despised woman in the 21st Century. Not satisfied with getting more money in her divorce settlement than any 10 of us will see in a lifetime, she wants more:

Heather Mills is trying to prove Sir Paul McCartney is worth much more than the £400million he claimed in their divorce battle.

She has told friends she is employing a team of forensic accountants to examine her former husband's finances...

Miss Mills has told friends she cannot look after Beatrice on £35,000 a year, the sum awarded at the High Court.

Who could? If you trick a lonely old rock star into fertilizing one of your eggs, you're entitled to every penny you can squeeze out of him. I say the court should make him cash out all his accounts, convert it into one-pound notes, and throw it, and her, into a big pit. She gets to keep whatever she can fit between her toes.

(thx, AP)

There was a time when those four words would have been welcome ones. Let me add six more which will make them even less so: on the cover of AARP magazine.

He certainly hasn't been screwing anything else if you believe him. Ryan says he had the chance to hook up with Britney Spears, Ashlee Simpson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Lindsay Lohan. He passed them all up, though, he claims. Suddenly my image of him is totally blown. Maybe he is a man of substance! Yeah, if that substance is jizz. I'm not buying his denials for a second. You can tell he's the kind of guy who'd hook up with any girl whose head was flat enough to set his beer on while she gives him a BJ in the bathroom stall at Les Deux.

She is pretty reliable for a funny story or soundbite, but this is definitely her best yet:

I have to say, sushi freaks me out more than almost anything. At least a vagina would be warm.

He's going to find a way to blame this on Rosie O'Donnell being a fat, ugly lesbo slob. Trust me.

I have no idea why she's so hurt and upset that Maxim thinks she's the unsexiest woman in the world. For one thing, does she really want to appeal to the average Maxim reader? It's not like Miller Light-drinking douches in "GIRLS GONE WILD FILM CREW" t-shirts buy a lot of Sex and the City DVDs. For another thing, she's got to know that she's the kind of non-threatening woman who is only found attractive by other females and gay men. Speaking of whom, she says her husband Matthew Broderick was insulted by the Maxim piece because it questioned his "judgement". Yeah, what a crushing way for him to find out that when people refer to his hideous beard, they don't mean the hair on his face.

Kristin Davis, that is. In the "Kristin Davis" sex pics. TMZ is taking a poll, no pun intended, and it's an even 50/50 split as to whether it's her or not. I'm not going to link directly to the pictures because this isn't that kind of site (much), but you can find them if you really want to.

Then again, maybe it is her. I don't know. I never watched Sex and the City, but she was awful on Melrose Place. I was so glad when her character fell in that stupid pool and drowned. Ha ha.

What. Lots of people watched Melrose Place. Nothing wrong with it. What. Shut up.

Thank you, Neil Patrick Harris, for giving me a new tag line for my business cards.

Heather Mills just got a divorce settlement of almost 50 million pounds. Paul probably spends more than that in a year on magazines. He's still tied to that hoppity ho by their daughter, and I'm sure she'll be back in court when the money runs out, but for now I'd imagine he sees it as a win. She's got her winning lottery ticket, and he's got a jaunty little spring in his step:

"I'm free! I'm free!"

Dream date with actress Scarlett Johansson fetches nearly £20,000 at auction

Is there anyone who would have bet, three years ago, on KFed heading to Broadway and Britney being the has-been? Not even her new anime video can compel dorks and losers to jerk off to her now. (Don't let me down here, readers.)

Caption competition time! She's just begging for the BS treatment (and possibly other sick, twisted things):

Please tell me this means they will now decline rapidly in popularity. I don't think that C stands for Coldplay or Chris, but rather another c-word that always springs to mind when I see Gwyneth: cod.

Whew, that's a relief. Now all we need is a press release explaining that her shower is broken and she lost all her beauty products in a fire. There's no good excuse for dressing like that, though.

I love it when people talk about how they just can't stand to spend another day married to the "love of their life". I've broken up with guys I loved and who I thought were the loves of my life, but I didn't go talking about it to People magazine. I'm at LEAST as interesting as Carey Hart, aren't I? Wait, don't answer that. Also:

[Pink] also insisted that their breakup is "not about cheating, anger or fighting."

No, it's about dick, and how two of them in a marriage don't really work.

When I was a young girl, I thought Lisa Marie Presley was one of the prettiest women I'd ever seen in my life:

When I was a teenager, she had one of the most covetable bodies (from a woman's or a man's perspective) I'd seen:

So you might think that today would be one of triumph for me, as I have come to the conclusion that finally - FINALLY - I am more attractive than Lisa Marie Presley. Alas, alas.

The fact is, this reversal of fortune has taken place mostly because Lisa Marie has let herself go. I mean REALLY let herself go.

I never thought I'd see the day where I considered posting a "Separated at Birth" where the subjects would be Lisa Marie Presley and Sloth from The Goonies.

Wrap up extended reading.

She's what, 30? And yet she's already written a memoir and just made a deal for her second:

Cody, who flashed tattoos and a leopard-print gown at Sunday's ceremony, will re-live her Hollywood triumphs -- including Oscar night -- in a new, untitled memoir due from Gotham in 2009. "It's about a geeky girl from the Midwest who moves to Hollywood and her adventures writing screenplays," says Gotham's Beth Parker.

What is wrong with you people?

Even just a capsule description of FOX's hit reality game show The Moment of Truth -- "Contestants are hooked up to a polygraph machine and asked embarrassing personal questions in the hopes of winning big cash prizes" -- indicates that it is stupid and evil. But how stupid and evil is it? This stupid and evil:

The buxom blond wife of a city cop yesterday said she humiliated her husband in front of 8 million viewers of the reality show "Moment of Truth" -- revealing she slept around and wanted to be wed to another guy -- in a bid for fame and fortune.

But Lauren Cleri, 26, and her baby-faced hubby, rookie NYPD Officer Frank Cleri, 24, of Rockland County, said after appearing on the Fox show Monday night, they came away without any prize money, no immediate job offers for her -- and a potentially irrevocably broken marriage.

She won $100,000 for truthfully telling her ex-boyfriend she wished she'd married him instead, and another hundred grand for admitting she'd cheated on her husband. But don't worry, the story has a happy ending:

After admitting that she cheated... she was asked if she thought she is a good person.

She answered, "Yes," but the lie-detector test said she was lying. She lost all of the money.

Absolutely poetic. Sure, she humiliated her husband in front of millions of people, but at least she wasn't honest enough to profit from it. That stupid show is the one place where lying about yourself can actually cost you money!

Ali Lohan [who is 14 years old --JD] makes no secret of the fact that seeing her sister’s [Lindsay Lohan] successful career is what inspired her to attempt to launch her own. “I grew up watching Lindsay,” Ali says, “and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you … it’s so cool when people look up to you. I’ve already been asked for my autograph,” she adds, “and it’s just a really good feeling to have.” Ali Lohan wants to have it all. She wants to be a singer, an actress, and maybe later, a fashion designer who also has her own signature fragrance. She wants these things, she says “really bad, so bad. So bad you don’t even know.”

If she thinks it feels good to get asked for her autograph, just wait until she has her first 8-ball!

The shame of it is that Ali Lohan is a very pretty girl - she has a real Ali McGraw vibe going on. Unfortunately, she's going to look older than Ali McGraw is now by the time she gets her driver's license. Which should make for a neat mugshot after her first DUI.

This isn't a bad thing, and obviously motherhood is a beautiful spectacle, etc. But is anyone else creeped out by the very prominent blue veins that are practically glowing from underneath the surface of Xtina's skin? Just looking at those suckers makes me crave a nice gorgonzola with a chilled glass of Sunkist. Imagine how brightly those veins would be shining through if she hadn't spent half her life under the UVA lights of the tanning bed!

The blogger who used to strip and just won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay (Juno) got all angry and shy about wearing a pair of million dollar shoes to the Oscars. In the end, she ditched the shoes in protest and wore some flats that made Amy Winehouse's bloody ballerina slippers look high class. I think Todd puts it best:

Paying you $20 to grind on my lap doesn't seem to be a problem, but wearing a pair of $1 million shoes for three hours could irreparably damage your self-respect? Oh I see. Now that you put it that way.

Sorry, I don't like that f-word.

The sad thing is, I know at least a dozen of you will be turned on by that.

Um, no. They were being rude to you because they thought you were Lindsay Lohan.

You probably thought you hated Moby because he's a self-righteous vegan who makes awful music and acts like Mr. Sensitive while handing out "I really want to fuck you" cards to women in clubs. But no! You actually hate him because he boinked Mrs. Skywalker:

"I guess in some people's eyes, [nerds] might be mildly sexy -- and, as a nerd, I'm certainly happy to enjoy some of the effects of that. But as far as the very brief affair that I had with Natalie [Portman], it's made me a target of a lot of nerd wrath," the techno-whiz tells next month's Spin. "You don't date Luke Skywalker's mom and not have them hate your guts."

Despite how disappointed we all might be in Natalie Portman for serving, however briefly, as a container for Moby's DNA*... did anybody know about this? How can nerds hate you for something they don't even know about? Or is this just Moby's passive-aggressive way of boasting that he bagged Natalie Portman? That sounds more like it to me. Your faux self-deprecation doesn't wash, you broccoli-chomping douche. And I know from faux self-deprecation.

*How fitting that he actually looks like a sperm cell.

Who knew? I haven't been able to find a clip on YouTube yet, but apparently one of the presenters was too hammered to read the teleprompter and announce whatever stupid award he was giving. Sharon, having had some experience dealing with incoherent drunks, ran up and started cussing the guy out and generally making a spectacle of herself. The presenter is named Vic Reeves, if that's supposed to mean something:

The 55-year-old mother of three barged Reeves aside, grabbed the statuette from him and said: "Shut up, you're p***ed, p*** off you b******," as she decided to reveal who the winner of the Best British Album award was herself.

But in an embarrassing onstage scrap, Reeves managed to shout it out first.

When asked for comment, Ozzy quipped, "I, I, I, uh, hazzabuh schnab kumpidduh... um... Sharon! Sharon!!!" He then urinated down the front of his sweatpants.

BTW, if you don't know what the BRIT Awards are, they're kind of like the British version of the Grammys, except even less important.

In the Ukraine. Her masterpiece Blonde Ambition made over $250,000 there, whereas here in the country that matters, it's made about $1,500. She barely edged out the Ukraine's box office champ for the previous 783 weeks, Wasl Korolenko's stirring drama Please Bring Back Communism.

Why is she so popular there?

Is nice!

Caption competition time, guys:

I'm going to catch hell for this, but I'm sick of seeing women trash up their bodies with skank-ass tattoos. It's just so common.

Paris Hilton Banned from Oscars

Magda from There's Something About Mary (link possibly NSFW...or any other place on earth) and Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe in New York magazine

Now, I may have mentioned a time or two that I think Lindsay Lohan is sort of hot. Sure, she's tanorexic and always looks like she needs a good bath. Let's not even get into her attachment to leggings. But she strikes me as a girl who likes to have a good time for herself, first and foremost. She's not skanking it up to make guys happy. She's skanking it up because she's a skank and loves it! There's something admirable in that. (Unless I have daughters someday, in which case it's abhorrent.)

So you can imagine my disappointment when I saw Lindsay's risqué shoot for New York magazine (NSFW). Homegirl is broke, so I don't know why she didn't just save it for Playboy, because at least they know how to use an airbrush. Lindsay looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet - and you know she has. But I'd have preferred it if the photo editors had helped us pretend otherwise.

Also disappointing: the rack. It looks a lot perkier covered up.

*Alternate title for this post: The one that motivates NOW to put a bounty on my head.

I call him Baby Poo. He calls me, "Bitch, get over here."

Wow, if any more blood had rushed to Viera's face, it would have shot out her eyes like fountains. Awesome.

I only just saw this, because I haven't watched SNL since Chris Farley was crashing into coffee tables. NatPo is beautiful for sure, but just as boring. This sort of makes me warm to her.

You know that new Kathleen Turner autobiography where she trashes all her old (and I do mean old) co-stars? Well, Nicolas Cage is suing her for claiming he stole a dog on the set of Peggy Sue Got Married. A Chihuahua, to be exact.

Which makes sense. A big-time Hollywood movie star doesn't want to be accused of something like that. A German Shepherd or a Rottweiler, sure, that would be pretty cool to have on your rap sheet. But a Chihuahua? Who would be creepy and bizarre enough to...

Ahhhhh.

Let's see, we've had illegal narcotics, child endangerment, vagina flashing, head shaving, a hostage situation, a police guard of hundreds to escort her to the psych ward...What's missing from this cavalcade of crazy? Of course: gang members!

Sadly, no blood was spilled or major organs damaged or spinal cords severed. Would you be surprised if I told you they were fighting over a man? Thought not.

It's pretty bad when Keith Richards thinks you take too many drugs.

That was the other good thing about seeing Amy last night: She had color, a bit more weight on her, and looked like she was having fun (the clean kind).

Shut the hell up, Natalie Cole.

I watched the Grammys for the first time in a decade last night. Looks like it was only me and a few others, though. It was pretty lame, but I only watched for my girl Amy Winehouse (who was robbed of the album of the year award). This made the entire boring telecast worth watching:

Oh, People...

The Hottie and the Nottie, a romantic comedy starring Hilton, Joel David Moore, and Christine Lakin, opened Friday to $9,000 on 111 screens, or $81 per screen, according to Box Office Mojo...

Hilton's Hottie disappointed, despite a whirlwind three weeks of film promotion for Hilton.

"Despite," or "due to"?

It's good when serious actresses don't let their aspirations get in the way of a little hot lesbo action.

I was just checking TMZ to see if Britney's still alive, and they have the most interesting picture of her dad. It got me to wondering...

Now the question is: Can he change her back?

I'm not saying you'd kick her out of bed, guys, but wouldn't you be more than a little embarrassed to have this on your arm?

Okay, maybe not. But I can't believe SOMEBODY didn't stop her. Further proof that nobody tells celebrities the truth, only what they want to hear.

To me, the surprising thing isn't that Mischa Barton is banging the director of her latest film. The surprising thing would be to learn that she has ever not landed a role by banging the director. Homegirl isn't exactly the next Cate Blanchett.

Motherhood sure has changed her, hasn't it?

Michael K says:

No, it's not a pornstar at a dildo signing, but I had to read the caption just to make sure...DAMN! That baby is going to suffocate. I hope they have "safe word" just in case things get too intense while he's feeding.

Good news! If it ain't broke, why try to do anything the least bit different with it?

I have heard of Heidi Montag, but I have never watched her stupid reality show. All I know about her is that she has fake tits, and now I know she can't sing. These kids don't know what it was like in the good old days, when MTV played great bands like Poison and Warrant and Sigue Sigue Sputnik. When the music mattered, man.

Don't worry, it was just for a few hours, so she could go to the US Embassy in London and try to get a visa. It looks like she's going against her family's wishes and attempting to make it to the US for the Grammys. I sort of want her to come, if an outpouring of support from her fellow addicts and messes at the ceremony might help her.

Anyway, she looks a little better than before she went into rehab. But if this is "the picture of health," I really don't wanna know what death looks like.

She says the web is "full of sexual predators". Yes, Kelly, and that's what we geeks call a feature, not a bug.

Well, with Britney in lockdown, this is the craziest thing I could find.

I hesitate even to put the "Comedy" label on this one, because...really? This was the best she could do?

Matt Damon is either an extremely good sport or Sarah has some good dirt on him.