"SNL" to host some of NBC's Beijing Olympics coverage

It's been years since I've watched wrestling, but one of my favorites back in the '90s was Jim Fullington, AKA The Sandman. His big gimmick was the "Singapore cane" he'd smash the other guys with. Oh, and he drank beer and smoked cigs in the ring, and was basically just a big, stupid dick who somehow managed to set himself apart from all the other big, stupid dicks. Think Stone Cold Steve Austin, without the sophistication or wit.

Now he's in jail for smashing up a restaurant and assaulting a couple of cops. Sounds about right.

That sound you just heard was every sighted heterosexual male in North America shuddering:

Us Weekly reports in its new issue, on newsstands tomorrow, that Madonna's seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie has stalled out -- and the singer has been hosting late-night visits from New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez at her Central Park West apartment in New York City...

A source tells Us that the $28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, at her spacious home and would sneak out "as late as midnight." Says the source, "All the doormen are talking."

Maybe there's an innocent explanation. Maybe she's helping him with strength training:

Seriously, when did she start turning into Iggy Pop?

*I'm pretty sure I got the proportions correct there.

Milana Dravnel, the commie whore who produced a bunch of pictures of Oscar De La Hoya in drag, has dropped her $25 million lawsuit against him after experts declared the pics to be forgeries. As I said at the time, the pictures looked fake to me. The heads looked pasted on. As hilarious as it would have been if they were real, they just weren't.

So I just wanted to point out that I was right. Ha ha.

When I went to college long long long time ago, I remember we used to have a sister college we shared curriculum with. I wonder if this one does as well...

This has gone far enough.

Seth Stevenson at Slate looks at this year's Super Bowl commercials. His verdict is the same as mine: Mostly they sucked. His big question is the same as mine: WTF was this S?

Wow, they got Chris Kattan? The strike must be holding up production on Corky Romano 2.

Hulk Hogan totally respects the dead as he tells US Weekly about Chris Benoit's wife:

"She was into devil-worship stuff. It was part of her [wrestling] character, but [she was] somebody who gets so close to their character, someone who gets into their character too much. Sometimes these people believe their own publicity."

Is Hulk Hogan really the guy to be pontificating about the line between fantasy and reality? I say YES. (He could crush my skull between his thumb and forefinger.)

According to a search warrant affidavit obtained by The Smoking Gun, Benoit's doctor has been under investigation by the DEA for supplying him with 10 months' worth of anabolic steroids every 3-4 weeks. That seems like a lot, unless you're training for a fight with Dr. Doom. Well, it's probably just a coincidence anyway!

Pro wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife, and his son were all found dead in their Atlanta home yesterday, and it's being investigated as a murder/suicide. Holy crap. I haven't watched wrestling in a while, but I remember Benoit from WCW, back before that got run into the ground. He didn't have much personality, but he was an amazing athlete. Damn.

P.S. Real deaths end fake death.

P.P.S. Did I mention damn? Damn.

And now that I got that time-honored hack device out of the way in the header, here's the story:

David Beckham is on Cruise control. The English soccer superstar revealed yesterday he sought the advice of Scientology poster boy Tom Cruise before inking the five-year, $1 million-a-week deal that will bring him from Real Madrid to the Los Angeles Galaxy. "I was on the phone to him for about an hour last night and an hour the night before," Beckham told reporters via satellite from Spain. "He is a very wise man and a very good friend of mine. It's going to be a big help for us to have friends when we arrive in L.A."

I think they should star in a movie together! Here are some possible ideas:

Bend It Like Xemu
A Few Good Balls
Top Goal
Goals of Thunder
Um...

Okay, I give up. There are probably some really good soccer jokes there, but I'm 120% American and therefore know nothing of the game.

Let's just say that the fans I was watching the World Cup final with were a little less attractive than the ones Jim blogged about (with the obvious exception of my half-French fiancé...but he's probably not y'all's type). If you're interested in stunning acts of stupidity, you might want to check out the horrendous foul that had Zinedine "Zizu" Zidane sent off from the last match of his entire career.

*Guess what 'zizi' is French slang for?