I say that only because his music is so vile. Better to have him as an aspiring comedian, methinks. Bonus: Kristen Bell!

No, seriously: Calling this shitty is an insult to turds.

Today on his blog he made fun of himself and his dumb hair, and now it's "news." I say good, because not only is he making a sly commentary on our society's pathetic and shallow celebrity-worship, but every minute he spends doing stuff like this is a minute he's not in a recording studio or onstage. Blog, John Mayer, blog!

This could have gone horribly wrong, but somehow I knew it would rock. This happened at Coachella over the weekend, and it freaking kills me.

I have to agree with Dooce:

It is the audio equivalent of a Reese's peanut butter cup: two great tastes that you didn't think could get any better, and then some genius comes up with the idea to eat them both at the same time. Thom Yorke needs to write an entire album of songs for Prince to chew in his mouth.

And, as it happens, the world really needs Thom Yorke to have a purpose beyond talking complete crap about politics!

Phil Collins to Retire

Why is Akon famous? I do not know. He is a singer of some sort. It now turns out that the criminal past he apparently talks about in every single interview is a pile of horsecrap. He claimed to have served 4 years in prison for running an auto-theft ring, but his only real conviction was 3 years of probation on a gun charge. So he's like James Frey, but not as good of a speller.

Vanilla Ice Busted After Alleged Meltdown with Wife

Somebody needs to set him up with Heather Mills. Kill two shitbirds with one stone.

Guns N' Roses finish 'Chinese Democracy' album

I mean, nothing says elegance like Popeye's fried chicken, right?

This reminded me of a story I read almost five years ago (Lord help me) about how Beyoncé has been gifted a lifetime supply of fried chicken from Popeye's. All that money and they serve sponsored food at their wedding reception? I like their style.

Over the last 10 years or so, he's managed to put behind his dumb "bad boy, relatively speaking" image and establish himself as a pretty good character actor. He's always been in the shadow of his younger brother, but he's done some good work. I particularly liked him on Boomtown and The Kill Point. And of course, Band of Brothers! But I guess those skills weren't paying the bills...

Old Farts on the Block. Life is sad.

Even I would be tempted to squeeze a fully formed human being out of my vagina if I could train it (the human, not my vagina) to do something this cool:

Rikki Rockett, the guy who used to ineptly hit things with sticks for hair-metal band Poison, has been arrested in LA on suspicion of rape. No word on who the alleged victim is, but reportedly he lives in Mississippi.

(Get it? I'm saying Rikki Rockett is a big fairy. Also, Poison might still be together for all I know or care.)

Well, not yet. And he goes by Diddy now, but I like P. Diddy better. Point is, the LA Times ran a story about how Piddly Doodly Doo was responsible for a 1994 attack on Tupac Shakur, which triggered the rap war that killed Tupac and Biggie Smalls. Except the proof of this was made up by some dumpy conman loser in prison. The Smoking Gun has a whole long thing about it.

So, to the staff of the Times: I'd suggest you keep track of whatever Sean Combs is calling himself this week and practice putting "Mr." in front of it, because pretty soon he's going to be the one signing your checks.

P.S. Here's their apology. Good luck, guys.

According to the New York Post, the Jackson Family is broke. Well, not in comparison with, say, me. But they're not nearly as well off as they used to be. Marlon is working at a Vons in San Diego, Randy is doing odd jobs, Jackie's trying to get his kid's rap career started, and Jermaine doesn't seem to be doing much of anything. A few of them have moved back in with their parents. In fact, besides Janet, the only one making a living from music these days is... Tito!

The guitarist fronts a blues and jazz band that plays small venues and nets him $500 and $1,500 per occasional gig -- a far cry from the days when the Jacksons could pull in 50,000 people at $30 a ticket.

Still, at least he's trying. Sorry we laughed at you, Tito.

Happier times:

Bullets, Pot Found in Rapper's Car

P.S. Purely by accident, this is actually newsworthy in light of one of today's stories: Bob Geldolf Accused of Kicking Fan in the Nose

Krist Novoselic, formerly of Nirvana, is blogging about politics for some crappy Seattle rag. Among the nuggets of wisdom so far:

Republican’s [sic] should worry about this fall: a sleeping giant has been aroused.

The climate of discontent is fertile grounds [sic] for a non-partisan election proposal.

There’s a lot of excitement!

Oh, and he's "advocating change". Yeesh, at least Sean Penn is offensive enough to be interesting.

If you've seen Road House or gone to a high school prom in the last 20 years, you know who he was. The blind guitarist who sat down with the guitar flat in his lap and played it kind of like a keyboard, and who sang "Angel Eyes." Damn, he was only 41.

Happy Monday...

You probably thought you hated Moby because he's a self-righteous vegan who makes awful music and acts like Mr. Sensitive while handing out "I really want to fuck you" cards to women in clubs. But no! You actually hate him because he boinked Mrs. Skywalker:

"I guess in some people's eyes, [nerds] might be mildly sexy -- and, as a nerd, I'm certainly happy to enjoy some of the effects of that. But as far as the very brief affair that I had with Natalie [Portman], it's made me a target of a lot of nerd wrath," the techno-whiz tells next month's Spin. "You don't date Luke Skywalker's mom and not have them hate your guts."

Despite how disappointed we all might be in Natalie Portman for serving, however briefly, as a container for Moby's DNA*... did anybody know about this? How can nerds hate you for something they don't even know about? Or is this just Moby's passive-aggressive way of boasting that he bagged Natalie Portman? That sounds more like it to me. Your faux self-deprecation doesn't wash, you broccoli-chomping douche. And I know from faux self-deprecation.

*How fitting that he actually looks like a sperm cell.

Who knew? I haven't been able to find a clip on YouTube yet, but apparently one of the presenters was too hammered to read the teleprompter and announce whatever stupid award he was giving. Sharon, having had some experience dealing with incoherent drunks, ran up and started cussing the guy out and generally making a spectacle of herself. The presenter is named Vic Reeves, if that's supposed to mean something:

The 55-year-old mother of three barged Reeves aside, grabbed the statuette from him and said: "Shut up, you're p***ed, p*** off you b******," as she decided to reveal who the winner of the Best British Album award was herself.

But in an embarrassing onstage scrap, Reeves managed to shout it out first.

When asked for comment, Ozzy quipped, "I, I, I, uh, hazzabuh schnab kumpidduh... um... Sharon! Sharon!!!" He then urinated down the front of his sweatpants.

BTW, if you don't know what the BRIT Awards are, they're kind of like the British version of the Grammys, except even less important.

I don't know why this makes me giggle like...well, the silly girl that I am, but it does.

Happy 69th Birthday to Ray Manzarek of The Doors!

I watched the Grammys for the first time in a decade last night. Looks like it was only me and a few others, though. It was pretty lame, but I only watched for my girl Amy Winehouse (who was robbed of the album of the year award). This made the entire boring telecast worth watching:

Partial list of this year's Grammy winners:

Record of the Year: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse

Song of the Year: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse

New Artist: Amy Winehouse

Pop Vocal Album: "Back to Black," Amy Winehouse

Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Rehab," Amy Winehouse

Metal Performance: "Final Six," Slayer

Presumably, Amy Winehouse did not perform a metal song in 2007.

I'd love to see our man Kamal - who is quite the talented musician - rock out on one of these:

I have heard of Heidi Montag, but I have never watched her stupid reality show. All I know about her is that she has fake tits, and now I know she can't sing. These kids don't know what it was like in the good old days, when MTV played great bands like Poison and Warrant and Sigue Sigue Sputnik. When the music mattered, man.

Don't worry, it was just for a few hours, so she could go to the US Embassy in London and try to get a visa. It looks like she's going against her family's wishes and attempting to make it to the US for the Grammys. I sort of want her to come, if an outpouring of support from her fellow addicts and messes at the ceremony might help her.

Anyway, she looks a little better than before she went into rehab. But if this is "the picture of health," I really don't wanna know what death looks like.

Well, not really, but this is somewhat redeeming:

When [Paris Hilton] decided to get onstage and dance, the hip-hopper quickly instructed her to "Get the f**k off the stage." She started to cry and tried to plead with the party's production staff to let her dance, whining, "But it's my party!"

Surprising to see that her efforts to drop the party girl image are coming along so nicely...

Here. It kind of reminds me of "B.O.B." by Outkast.

Police arrested and charged a teenager Tuesday night at Nashville International Airport. Investigators said he planned to hijack a commercial airliner.

The 16-year-old boarded a plane in California bound for Nashville. Airport police said he smuggled handcuffs and other dangerous items on board...

Investigators said he planned to hijack the plane and order the pilots to divert the course from Nashville to Lafayette, La. The teenager wanted to crash the airliner into a Hannah Montana concert...

And it would've worked too, except:

The suspect got the date wrong for the concert. It takes place Friday night instead of earlier this week.

Last summer Avril Lavigne got sued by a '70s band called the Rubinoos because they said she ripped them off in her song "Girlfriend." I listened to both songs and said those guys were full of a lot of horsedoodles, pardon my language. Her music might be very very bad indeed, but she's not a plagiarist.

Well, now they agree:

Tony Dunbar and James Gangwer had filed a lawsuit claiming the hit "Girlfriend," by Lavigne and writing partner Luke Gottwald on her album The Best Damn Thing, was ripped off from the 1979 song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" by Dunbar and Gangwer's new wave group the Rubinoos.

But in a statement Tuesday, Dunbar and Gangwer said: "We are satisfied that any similarities between the two songs resulted from Avril and Luke's use of certain common and widely used lyrics. We therefore completely exonerate Avril and Luke from any wrongdoing of any kind in connection with the claims made by us in our lawsuit."

Of course, they only said that after they received a "confidential settlement." What did I get? Bupkis. Thanks a bunch, Avril!

A bold new era in menwear begins:

It was just a regular shirt when that paparazzo put it on that morning, but then Bjork saw it in that New Zealand aiport and added her own magic elf touch. She's an artist, people! The whole world is her canvas. This is her finest work since:

According to Starpulse, she's not allowed to talk for two days before a big show, so:

"It's boring writing notes. I need Stephen Hawking's voice machine so I think and it comes out in a robot voice."

The thinking part might be tough! I would pay good money to watch her take Stephen Hawking's talkin' box away from him. What's he gonna do about it? Although the idea of Mariah Carey rendered mute for days on end has its own appeal. Use those lips to do what they're good for, honey: moving while you read.

TMZ has a live video feed of the doors to the courthouse where K-Fed's lawyer is trying to get him full custody of his kids. Which just got a little easier, now that Britney has been wheeled out of her own home on a gurney and placed under psychiatric evaluation at Cedars-Sinai. And I'm talking about it. And you're reading about it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find an American flag to salute.

(thx, graham)

And again, just because it makes me happy:

Holy crap. When Britney was 16, she was still pretending to be a virgin. Now this. She's going to ruin her body before anybody can even defile themselves to it. This is an outrage.

The other day I made a mean remark about how maybe somebody in England cares about the Spice Girls, and I would now like to apologize to the British. You don't either. Thank you. Now please take back David Beckham and we'll forget the whole thing.

Get it? Because dem bitchez iz old. Well okay, Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton didn't break her hip, she just sprained her ankle when she fell during their show in Vegas on Monday night. She's using crutches, and I'm not talking about the light show, the backup dancers, and the digital voice enhancement.

The five superannuated song-spoilers are now taking their "Girl" Power back to England, where, presumably, someone cares.

The coroner for Clark County, NV has determined that Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow died of natural causes. Yes, that's what I said. Think about it: Cocaine is derived from the coca plant, which grows out of the ground. Um, hello? Nature? And DuBrow had nasal passages and a heart-lung system, also part of nature. But hey, if you want to split hairs, go ahead. Call it an "overdose." Whatever that means.

Speaking of splitting hairs, there is no word yet on how DuBrow's clown-wig collection will be divvied up. Dibs on the Paris Hilton model!

Backstreet Boy Howie Dorough didn't kiss his bride when they married last weekend - he high-fived her. And when it came time for the first dance at the reception, they acted it out like they were starring in a video. Guest Deborah (FKA Debbie) Gibson said:

They really are best friends and that came across throughout the whole ceremony.

By "best friends" she means...best friends. These two aren't boning. Gibson pretty much confirms this, saying:

He waited until it was the right girl and I've watched her patiently wait because he's been on the road a lot.

"On the road" giving BJs to hillbillies at truck stops, she means. But those dudes never want to act out songs on the dance floor, and Howie finally realized that.

You'd say that, too, if your only other achievement was Bush.

Actually, that's not fair: He did also manage to marry a woman he can live off of for the rest of his days.

Madonna Names New Album Licorice

Can we agree that it's not a "white mystery powder" if you're an acknowledged druggie? The only mystery is whether it's coke, meth, angel dust...

I'm sort of disappointed to read that she spent the entire night in Balans restaurant in Soho, which was one of my favorite haunts when I lived in London. If only I'd been there, I could have staged an intervention! No, not a drug intervention, a cosmetic intervention. Something must be done about that face and those twig arms.

I guess it's easy to be secure enough in your sexuality to wear women's fabric if you're married to a supermodel who goes on Oprah to talk about what a huge schlong you have.

But it's still pretty gay.

I stopped counting with I got to a JILLION. Supposedly this video shows 50 Cent and his crew being interrupted mid-snort by a Croatian TV crew. Frankly, I'm more interested in...well, everything else about it. Are we sure Borat had nothing to do with this?

David Bowie revisits his past in an ad for water. It's not even a very good brand of water, either.

via Anne

P.S. Originally this was going to be called "Sexual Eruption." Guess the label balked at that one. I like "Sensual Seduction" better anyway, because it's dumber. I cannot stop listening to this song. What's the last Snoop song you can even name?

That's Elle Macpherson and Bryan Adams, who are now dating. Does anybody know when God died? You'd think it would have been in the papers. This is not the way I wanted to find out.

P.S. Jackie beat me to it by 6 minutes! Curse-a you, Jackie!

Kevin DuBrow is dead at 52. You know, the singer for Quiet Riot? The '80s metal band? "Cum On Feel The Noize"? "Metal Health"? Kids these days. Well, out of respect for the dead, I won't mention how amazing it was that he was losing his hair in the '80s, but somehow it all grew back in the '90s. They say he died of unknown causes, which probably means somebody took back all that time he borrowed.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are suing Showtime over their new show Californication, which was also the name of one of the Chili Peppers' albums:

"Californication is the signature CD, video and song of the band's career, and for some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right," said the band's lead singer, Anthony Kiedis, in a statement.

I would have thought their signature song was "Under the Bridge." Or if you're really old, "True Men Don't Kill Coyotes." But no, it's "Californication," and Kiedis is the only genius in world history who's ever made the connection between "California" and "fornication." It's the greatest portmanteau* since "Clamato."

I submit to you, dear reader, that Anthony Kiedis is a dunce. That's just the sort of penetrating social commentary you've come to expect from your old buddy Treach. Someday I may let you down, but today is not that day.

*Literally, "left manteau"

Couldn't make this up if I tried: Drug addiction in Africa? Amy Winehouse's fault. So says the United Nations. Isn't their credibility already kind of shot to shit without this kind of idiocy?

She kicked off her UK tour by sucking so bad the crowd turned against her:

During the show, the 24-year-old told the crowd: "To them people booing, wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that."

Or it could have been, "Total the boomerang, waiter, I'm hugging guess how in Costco [vomits]." (She's hard to understand at times, such as when she speaks.) Then, after 4 sort-of-songs, she walked offstage. And now:

Some fans have contacted the venue and tour promoter to ask for refunds.

Sorry, but at this late date, if you pay to see Amy Winehouse you deserve whatever you get. Would you buy a lottery ticket and then demand your money back when it didn't win? You probably would, you adorable little goose.

Page Six says Jon Bon Jovi might be considering a run for governor of New Jersey, which is why he keeps a house there, performs at a lot of Democratic fundraisers, and has hired a PR guru. More likely he's just a really rich Democrat, but it's fun to think about. Just imagine the campaign... "For our state's working families, livin' on a prayer just isn't enough. I know you're worried about health care costs, and a vote for me is like good medicine!" And so forth. He could hire the rest of his band as like his cabinet or whatever. Do governors even have cabinets? What do they actually do? I don't know, but then I don't know what Jon Bon Jovi has been doing with himself for the past 15 years, so why not put him in charge of a whole state.

I love the part where she sings, "Ahh ah-buhhh, ohhh-aaah yeh-behhhh ra ha ha-blayyyyyy!" We've all been there.

(thx, videocracy)

Remember how Radiohead released their new album on the Internet and let you decide how much you want to pay for it? So far 62% of the people who've downloaded it paid more than it's worth, i.e. nothing. If I want some cross-eyed depressive moaning over a bunch of bloops and bleeps, I'll look in the mirror while playing Simon. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Free of charge, folks, I have no illusions about what I'm worth.

He is dating Rihanna. Which makes perfect sense, except he's

and she's

Does she really want her kids to look like Alfred E. Neuman? Maybe it's his personality. Just kidding.

Despite what her slurred, shambolic performance might suggest...

Asked if he had any advice for her, the Babyshambles frontman said: "I wouldn't give her any. She's fine. It's all bollocks. People should leave her alone. I went for a drink with her earlier today and she's totally fine. Perfectly healthy and happy. People are saying she's out of control, but she's not. She's a sensible girl and she knows what she's doing. She ain't doing nothing wrong."

Well, that settles that, then!

Kid Rock won't face battery charges for slapping the taste out of Tommy Lee's mouth at the MTV Awards Show Awards, or whatever it was called. Good. Say whatever you like about Kid Rock, but I don't want to live in a country where it's against the law to do physical harm to Tommy Lee. He really ought to have a booth at Disneyland. "Smack Tommy Lee in the Mouth for a Dollar." It would make Disney more money than Pixar ever did.

I met Courtney Love and she said she'd like to sleep with me, but couldn't because of my pop star thing. So I said I couldn't sleep with her either because of the ugly thing.

-Robbie Williams

Ho-hum. That's not the real news. The real news is that he's on tour. I don't want to say the music industry is in trouble, but apparently Kid Rock has the #1 album in the country. Did you know Kid Rock had a new album out? Is it just me?

Do I even need to fill in the details? She did something stupid and/or she's in trouble with the police, right? Right. The only novel detail this time is that she got busted in Norway. Which I think is a country. A city? One of those.

At least Britney had a string of huge hits before she fell apart. This beehived cadaver skipped to the last page of the debacle book.

That's People's headline, anyway. But the woman who gets the paparazzi to pump her gas and fetch her tampons couldn't quite convince them to write her lyrics for her, so she got Pharrell Williams to do it. So the song contains such masterful lines as: "It just seemed that Vegas/ Only brought the playa out of you."

I'm trying to imagine what the lyrics would be if Britney had wanted to burn a calorie and pick up the pen herself.

With my Cheetos in your hand
You spit in my Red Bull
Well I don't spend 36 hours a day trying to get tan
Just to be ignored when I say, "Here's my finger - pull!"

I know that scans a little too well to be belieavably Britney, but I tried. Think you can do better?

This news is enough to make your balls recede into your body permanently if you're a Monty Python freak (I'm not, nor do I have balls, for the record). Director Mike Nichols:

Clay Aiken is amazing beyond that glorious voice. Turns out he is an excellent comic actor and a master of character. People will be surprised by his wide ranging talent, since the first impression is of great country charm and a singer to remember. This guy is not only a star, he is a lot more. We are lucky to get him for Spamalot.

Nick Cave: This song is called “No Pussy Blues.”

Heckler: “Well, you’re UGLY — what ELSE would it be called?”

He does have a point.

But Nick Cave is married to this, and the frat boy heckler...isn't:

Being married to a beautiful woman is the ultimate comeback, I'd say.

It's basically a poorly shot confession of extreme narcissism. So she's far more self-aware than I would have given her credit for being.

You'd think that spending so many years with Keith Richards would give him more faith in the human body's ability to survive with very little blood in its heroin stream. But no.

Isn't anybody counting how many times this dude has successfully kept his ass out of the clink? It's the only thing he IS successful at these days. His lawyer says he's been clean for six weeks...while living an an in-patient treatment facility. Not to downplay how hard it is to kick heroin, crack, and everything else Doherty is addicted to, but that's not really proof that he's turned his life around. That said, at least he's got Britney to feel superior to these days.

He says the reason he keeps effing up - trying to hook up with cops in public restrooms, crashing into multiple cars in a drugged stupor, taking handfuls of pills and passing out at the wheel of his car at a dangerous intersection - is because he's so creatively gifted. Yes, really.

...I never had any feeling my talent was going to let me down...my career just seems to right itself like a plastic duck in a bath and, in some ways, I resent that.

Not as much as I do, Georgie! Though the people whose cars you plowed into and whose lives you endangered may resent it a little more.

I can't believe this hot piece turns 60 today. I also can't believe that he's a hot piece now! This was one unattractive man back in the day. Now...Well, let's just say there's no ladylike way to make the comment about his meat loaf that just came to mind.

I also love the fact that he has a song called Whore. No, it's not about Parasite, but we can pretend!