I'm sure for most viewers, these are what they thought were the five nominees for Best Picture: Something Something Country, Something Something Blood, Michael Jordan, that thing with whatshername, and one of those Knocked Up movies.

More Oscar face-smashing here.

I love you guys and everything, but not unconditionally. I don't even think I'd sit through the Oscars for my own (non-existent!) offspring. What a wise stance this proved to be this year in particular, since not even the fashion was of any interest. From start to finish, the Academy Awards were about as exciting as Cream of Wheat eaten with a plastic baby spoon. Or, in Michael K's words:

Overall, it was everything I thought it would be....BORING!

In the Ukraine. Her masterpiece Blonde Ambition made over $250,000 there, whereas here in the country that matters, it's made about $1,500. She barely edged out the Ukraine's box office champ for the previous 783 weeks, Wasl Korolenko's stirring drama Please Bring Back Communism.

Why is she so popular there?

Is nice!

Sweet.

He's 51 today, which gives me a good enough excuse to post a collection of some of his finer movie moments. (Clip features copious f-bombs, naturally, so probably NSFW.) Brad Pitt has nothing on Ray-Ray:

It's bad. Really bad.

But trust me, it'll make you appreciate modern porn like never before. (This is pretty safe for work, if you use headphones.)

If they did, the news that Hannah Montana will be presenting an award should put paid to that.

You know, that looks like it might actually be pretty good.

Wow! When they first announced this and said he'd have a younger sidekick, I figured he'd be like Henry Jones, Sr. in the third movie. But they've got him swinging around and elbowing guys in the face and everything. And is that THE warehouse? How could it not be? Oh man, just three more months...

Woo-hoo.

They're saying new episodes of a lot of sitcoms and dramas won't be on the air until April. It'll be interesting to see what the ratings are like. I can't speak for anybody else -- who would want me to? -- but I've gotten used to not watching TV. Lost. And of course Good Eats. That's pretty much it. I don't really miss it. It's not like in 1988, the last time there was a strike like this. We have a lot more options. You're still pretty, Television, but can you show me any music video I can think of, the minute I think of it? Can you play me a whole season of my favorite show and let me pause you to go take a leak? Can you let me download one of hundreds of thousands of books wirelessly on a handheld reading device? You cannot.

Then again, every week millions of people still watch Pick a Briefcase, Stupid, so what the hell do I know.

You know that new Kathleen Turner autobiography where she trashes all her old (and I do mean old) co-stars? Well, Nicolas Cage is suing her for claiming he stole a dog on the set of Peggy Sue Got Married. A Chihuahua, to be exact.

Which makes sense. A big-time Hollywood movie star doesn't want to be accused of something like that. A German Shepherd or a Rottweiler, sure, that would be pretty cool to have on your rap sheet. But a Chihuahua? Who would be creepy and bizarre enough to...

Ahhhhh.

It's easy:

"You walk up to someone you like and you're feeling relaxed, they think, 'Oh, here comes the shark' and you say to them, 'When did you get pregnant?' You will have somebody off balance after that particular line."

I figured the next part would be: "And when she says she's not, you say, 'Well, do ya wanna be?'" But no, that was it. Well, he makes more money just for rolling out of bed in the afternoon than I'll make in the next 10 years, and he shtupps women one-third his age while I've got cobwebs in my shorts, so I'll just assume he knows his business.

That reminds me of a funny Jack Nicholson bit from Fametracker, back when Fametracker was funny: the Jack-O-Matic! Build your own Jack Nicholson "romantic" "comedy" title: Things Are Lookin' Better! Whatcha Gonna Getcha! Etc. The phrase "garbage-encrusted smile" isn't that funny by itself, but by the time you get down to that part, if you don't laugh I'll give you a refund.

Writers love to write about themselves. At length. Such as this. You'd think it was the Battle of Normandy. All I want to know is whether the strike is over or not, and when they'll be making more episodes of Lost.

Oh, People...

The Hottie and the Nottie, a romantic comedy starring Hilton, Joel David Moore, and Christine Lakin, opened Friday to $9,000 on 111 screens, or $81 per screen, according to Box Office Mojo...

Hilton's Hottie disappointed, despite a whirlwind three weeks of film promotion for Hilton.

"Despite," or "due to"?

The story of what Randy Quaid and his wife have gotten themselves involved in is shocking, appalling, etc. But really I just wanted an excuse to post this:

It's good when serious actresses don't let their aspirations get in the way of a little hot lesbo action.

Heath OD'ed. It's sad and everything, but is it okay if I move on with my life now?

It's M. Night Shambalaya, so there's gotta be a twist at the end. I think the twist will be that Mark Wahlberg jumps off a building and his head cracks open and there are actual brains in there instead of damp hay. What do you think the twist will be?

This (which Treacher emailed to me) wouldn't be so vile if he weren't so dead wrong.

Kirsten Dunst is "on the verge of a breakdown." Some dude from Grey's Anatomy just checked himself into the same loony bin as Britney, complaining of a sleep disorder. (Just like Heath!) Eva Mendes is in rehab. This is all just in the last 24 hours. But hey, we always knew these showbiz types were out of their minds, huh? Am I right? Gimme those ribs, you.

As talented as Tina Fey is, I imagined this might actually get me into a movie theater this year. Alas, alas...

Seems average to me. Will probably be a huge hit.

Because you end up finding stuff you didn't even know you were looking for. I don't even remember how I stumbled on Cinematic Titanic, which is a new movie-mocking venture by Joel Hodgson and some other Mystery Science Theater 3000 vets. (Not to be confused with Rifftrax, which is made up of Mike Nelson and several other MST3K people. Friendly rivalry? Not so friendly?) Which then led me to Cartoon Dump, the latest venture from TV's Frank, AKA Frank Conniff. It's a no-budget webcast parody of kid's shows, and you can watch an episode, well, right here:

And then I read this great interview with Conniff, in which he said that the one movie he always wanted MST3K to tackle was Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, because it co-starred a Martin & Lewis ripoff act by a couple of guys named Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo:

I'd heard of this movie before, and that it's one of the worst ever made, and that Jerry Lewis threatened to sue them and basically ruined their careers, but I didn't realize how much that guy looked, sounded, and acted like Lewis.

These things make me happy because I'm a big fan of sadness and despair and things that never were. And now I'm sharing them with you. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Sean Young Enters Rehab

I used to think she was a demented, self-sabotaging bitch. Now I think she's a demented, self-sabotaging bitch who is providing the only entertainment value coming out of Hollywood for the last few months. So there she was at the Director's Guild Awards the other night:

The actress, who rose to fame in the late 1980's and early 1990's, reportedly began yelling in French as Marion Cotillard, of "La Vie en Rose" fame took the stage, according to accounts on Defamer.

A video clip of George Clooney in "Michael Clayton," also reportedly caused Sean to have another outburst.

While Julian Schnabel, director of "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly," was speaking onstage, Sean, decked out in a white fur coat, began to heckle Schnabel, reportedly yelling, "Get on with it!" and "Move it on!" referring to his speech, according to a report in Variety.

He replied, "Have another drink, honey!" As if that ever works. How are you going to shame a drunk into shutting up? A drunken Sean Young? It's just not happening. She started running around the place and got escorted out, and may or may not have taken a swing at a security guard.

And I say: Good for her! Every stupid awards show should have a designated Sean Young to keep things from getting too pretentious and dull. Is Sean Penn at the podium droning on and on about whatever it is he drones on and on about? Cue Sean Young! Oh great, the boring montage of everybody who died last year? Empty your glass and sound off, Ms. Young! And so on. Keep at least one camera trained on Sean Young at all times. Ratings gold, I'm telling you.

I don't just mean his ability to write pithy dialogue. When will celebrities learn that they ALWAYS come off like douchebags when they confront paparazzi? The girly slapping doesn't help. Actually, scratch that: I'm a girl, and I slap a lot harder than QT. Ask my cleaning lady!

Christopher Nolan, director of The Dark Knight, has a brief but sweet memorial piece on Heath Ledger in Newsweek right now. Quoting wouldn't do it justice.

Mo' cutlery for old man!

Not because of the creepy monster or awful dialogue, either (although they don't exactly help):

Thousands of Southern Californians were no doubt clutching their seats while watching "Cloverfield," last weekend's No. 1 movie at the box office. At least a few of them were clutching their stomachs as well...

Erika Hasegawa, 32, was watching "Cloverfield" at a theater in Alhambra on Tuesday night but had to leave in the middle of the film.

"I'm really nauseous right now -- just hold on for a second," she said, before walking down the hall and retching into a trash can.

"I wish I could get my money back," she said.

You know what, sweetie? You probably could have gotten your money back if you hadn't just horked up your Raisinets in front of a reporter for the LA Times.

Anyway, it's not just us, Kamal. Cloverfield: Two voms up!

The next James Bond film is to be called Quantum of Solace, producers have confirmed.

Entertainment Weekly has the best story I've read yet about Heath Ledger. From the start he was ambivalent about his fame:

[In spring 2001] he had already been offered the starring role in the newly launched Spider-Man franchise and turned it down. ("I just don't care for comics," he said matter-of-factly. "It would have been stealing someone else's dream.") In the face of all of Hollywood's promises and pressures, Ledger seemed to have his eyes on something more ethereal and indefinable. "I'm on a f---ing journey," he said. "I'm on a walkabout. A lot of people think ambition or success, and they think dollars.... My success is getting underneath that. At the f---ing end of the day, that's the only thing you're going to carry with you when you die."

He was taking a bunch of different prescriptions for insomnia and anxiety: Ambien, Zoloft, Xanax, Donormyl, Zopiclone, Valium. They still don't know how he died, but taking all that stuff just goes to show that no matter how rich and famous you are, you still have to carry yourself around with you. Who knows, maybe the money and success actually made things worse for him? Maybe he felt guilty that he was stealing someone else's dream?

Is this Best Buy manager any more of a douche than the likes of Harvey Levin of TMZ and, er, VH1, both one of many media companies making a huge amount of money off the death of Heath Ledger?

Frankly, I have no problem with people making money any way they want, as long as they didn't steal it or defraud anyone. But it's a bit much for someone who's paid to generate ad revenue to get all high and mighty right now.

I don't see anything online yet, but Fox News, MSNBC, and CNBC are reporting that he was found dead in his apartment in Manhattan about 90 minutes ago, "surrounded by pills." Holy crap. (Thanks to TVsHenry for the tip.)

P.S. The NYT is reporting it.

P.P.S. As Alan Sepinwall points out, earlier today the Associated Press was defending itself for having obits on hand for under-30 celebrities. Well, so much for that debate.

P.P.P.S. Choose Your Own Adventure: It was an overdose. No wait, it was pneumonia. He was in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment. No, it was his own apartment. He was on the floor, er, in bed. There were pills scattered around, and also there were no pills scattered around. Because you wouldn't want to wait for the facts...

Well, most of them, anyway. She just published an autobiography called Send Yourself Roses, and here are some of her reminiscences about her directors and costars back when she was famous:

• On Body Heat: "In those days, [William Hurt] was pretty wild. He drank a great deal and took a lot of recreational drugs -- he loved those magic mushrooms. He loved women, too; I don't know how many he went through during filming."
• On refusing to do Jewel of the Nile because she hated the script, and getting sued by 20th Century Fox: "Now, Michael Douglas is a wonderful friend and a terrible enemy. When I phoned him up to ask what was going on, he took the hard line. 'You don't have any choices here,' he said."
• On Crimes of Passion: "Ken [Russell] was drinking a great deal at the time, and as the days went on, things got increasingly out of hand. Anthony [Perkins], who had an appalling drug habit, was taking illegal substances in front of all of the crew. You could see his heart beating a mile a minute."
• On Nicolas Cage in Peggy Sue Got Married: "Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket."
• On Burt Reynolds: "My unhappiest experience as an actress? Well, that would have to be a film called Switching Channels, which came out in 1987... [Burt] accused me of trying to get him sacked every day and publicly declared that the sound of my name made him want to vomit... I won't be rushing to work with him again, either."

Yay.

I've seen five of the movies that are nominated for something. How many have you seen? Hooray for Hollywood!

A promise is a promise!

Katie Holmes, that is, whose Mad Money made $7.7 million over the weekend. More like sad money! ROTFL

Cloverfield, on the other hand, made $41 million. And the monster didn't even have to cheat its way through a marathon!

Remember when Katie Holmes was adorable and full of life? Remember how she was before they turned her into a robot? Damn you, L. Ron.

Michael K on the influx of Parasite and her fellow parasites to Sundance:

If you didn't tell me this was the Sundance Film Festival, I would've figured it was the AVN Awards with all the skanks, whores, sluts and prostitutes running around. I mean, what the hell is Kim Kardashian doing there?

I have a soft spot for Kim Kardashian, because she has the celebrity body I'd most like for my own. That said...Word.

Bring Dramamine, leave critical faculties.

P.S. Or: Narratively clever, technically brilliant misfire.

No alien conspiracy! No black-oil infections or alien bees or any of that junk. That's good, because while the show had some all-time-classic standalone episodes (usually written by Darin Morgan), the show's overarching "mythology" was incoherent nonsense that was just made up as they went along. Paint yourself into a corner? Just knock out a wall and start ruining another room!

I had to laugh at this quote from the USA Today story, though:

"We spent a lot of time on (the my