I don't know why this makes me giggle like...well, the silly girl that I am, but it does.

It's a total injustice that this police officer has been suspended. If there were more adults holding kids accountable for being snot-nosed punks, this world would be in much better shape.

Wow, if any more blood had rushed to Viera's face, it would have shot out her eyes like fountains. Awesome.

You know that new Kathleen Turner autobiography where she trashes all her old (and I do mean old) co-stars? Well, Nicolas Cage is suing her for claiming he stole a dog on the set of Peggy Sue Got Married. A Chihuahua, to be exact.

Which makes sense. A big-time Hollywood movie star doesn't want to be accused of something like that. A German Shepherd or a Rottweiler, sure, that would be pretty cool to have on your rap sheet. But a Chihuahua? Who would be creepy and bizarre enough to...

Ahhhhh.

Let's see, we've had illegal narcotics, child endangerment, vagina flashing, head shaving, a hostage situation, a police guard of hundreds to escort her to the psych ward...What's missing from this cavalcade of crazy? Of course: gang members!

I don’t understand the Scientology thing because I don’t understand it.

-Cher

This idea is so crazy it's awesome. I just hope cameras are rolling when Ozzy mistakes Amy's beehive for a bat and eats it.

The FBI is coming down hard on In Touch. Maybe now I'll finally be able to sleep at night.

I was just checking TMZ to see if Britney's still alive, and they have the most interesting picture of her dad. It got me to wondering...

Now the question is: Can he change her back?

Well, with Britney in lockdown, this is the craziest thing I could find.

I'm sorry, but this is some effed up shiznit!

I wish Mini-Me would have bitten that dude's nuts off.

Sean Young Enters Rehab

Whale, "Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe"

I used to think she was a demented, self-sabotaging bitch. Now I think she's a demented, self-sabotaging bitch who is providing the only entertainment value coming out of Hollywood for the last few months. So there she was at the Director's Guild Awards the other night:

The actress, who rose to fame in the late 1980's and early 1990's, reportedly began yelling in French as Marion Cotillard, of "La Vie en Rose" fame took the stage, according to accounts on Defamer.

A video clip of George Clooney in "Michael Clayton," also reportedly caused Sean to have another outburst.

While Julian Schnabel, director of "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly," was speaking onstage, Sean, decked out in a white fur coat, began to heckle Schnabel, reportedly yelling, "Get on with it!" and "Move it on!" referring to his speech, according to a report in Variety.

He replied, "Have another drink, honey!" As if that ever works. How are you going to shame a drunk into shutting up? A drunken Sean Young? It's just not happening. She started running around the place and got escorted out, and may or may not have taken a swing at a security guard.

And I say: Good for her! Every stupid awards show should have a designated Sean Young to keep things from getting too pretentious and dull. Is Sean Penn at the podium droning on and on about whatever it is he drones on and on about? Cue Sean Young! Oh great, the boring montage of everybody who died last year? Empty your glass and sound off, Ms. Young! And so on. Keep at least one camera trained on Sean Young at all times. Ratings gold, I'm telling you.

You can answer anonymously if you're too much of a wuss to own up under your usual made-up internet handle, but: Has David Beckham made you reconsider your stance on the back, sack, and crack?

Honestly, I can think of nothing less masculine than a man who depilates any part of his body.

Police arrested and charged a teenager Tuesday night at Nashville International Airport. Investigators said he planned to hijack a commercial airliner.

The 16-year-old boarded a plane in California bound for Nashville. Airport police said he smuggled handcuffs and other dangerous items on board...

Investigators said he planned to hijack the plane and order the pilots to divert the course from Nashville to Lafayette, La. The teenager wanted to crash the airliner into a Hannah Montana concert...

And it would've worked too, except:

The suspect got the date wrong for the concert. It takes place Friday night instead of earlier this week.

Well, most of them, anyway. She just published an autobiography called Send Yourself Roses, and here are some of her reminiscences about her directors and costars back when she was famous:

• On Body Heat: "In those days, [William Hurt] was pretty wild. He drank a great deal and took a lot of recreational drugs -- he loved those magic mushrooms. He loved women, too; I don't know how many he went through during filming."
• On refusing to do Jewel of the Nile because she hated the script, and getting sued by 20th Century Fox: "Now, Michael Douglas is a wonderful friend and a terrible enemy. When I phoned him up to ask what was going on, he took the hard line. 'You don't have any choices here,' he said."
• On Crimes of Passion: "Ken [Russell] was drinking a great deal at the time, and as the days went on, things got increasingly out of hand. Anthony [Perkins], who had an appalling drug habit, was taking illegal substances in front of all of the crew. You could see his heart beating a mile a minute."
• On Nicolas Cage in Peggy Sue Got Married: "Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket."
• On Burt Reynolds: "My unhappiest experience as an actress? Well, that would have to be a film called Switching Channels, which came out in 1987... [Burt] accused me of trying to get him sacked every day and publicly declared that the sound of my name made him want to vomit... I won't be rushing to work with him again, either."

Not that this threat carries any weight, but I think it's great that she's such a crazy, who-gives-a-shit bitch. What has she got to lose? (I just passed up two fat jokes in a row, because I think she's earned a respite.)

Katie Holmes, that is, whose Mad Money made $7.7 million over the weekend. More like sad money! ROTFL

Cloverfield, on the other hand, made $41 million. And the monster didn't even have to cheat its way through a marathon!

Remember when Katie Holmes was adorable and full of life? Remember how she was before they turned her into a robot? Damn you, L. Ron.

Seriously:

I suspect this douche's parents got out of their son what they put into him: no sense of responsibility, no concept of other people as important, and the unfailing belief that he is "special" just for being him.

As soon as somebody puts it up, it gets taken down. Xenu damn it!

How pathetic is it that I watched video of her running around this weekend (wait, there's more) and got a little excited when I recognized the shopping center on Ventura Blvd that she was visiting chaos upon? Well, she must like that place as much as I do, even though it has a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf instead of Starbucks: She went back yesterday after concluding that the hearing deciding whether or not she gets to see her kids wasn't her bag. I'm guessing she didn't hit the discount bookstore there.

I wonder what steps have to be taken before Britney's family can have her committed. Check out how she's laughing her head off in church, even though she's losing her kids as she sits there and poses. She is just not right in the head, and I find it hard to believe she can't be deemed a danger to herself and others after the whole hostage situation with her kids. Of course, the police refused to press charges against her for that little stunt, which just reinforces her belief that she is accountable to no one. Because, let's face it, she's right.

I hope she gets enough help that someday, she'll have a good answer when her sons ask her why she didn't care enough about them to show up to court.

You don't say! Criss Angel says that the reason all his plans for her VMA performance got dropped was that they would have required some rehearsals. That didn't quite fit in with Britney's hectic schedule of Starbucks, tanning, and taking her kids hostage.

Speaking of which, she's supposed to show up in court today for a hearing to determine if she gets to see her kids again. Revoking custody isn't supposed to be a punishment for the parent, but something the judge does because it's in the best interest of the child(ren). I know that kids need their mother and all that, but not if the mother is batshit. I mean, you've got two toddlers who can't object if they get thrown back in a room with the woman who held them hostage* - one of many ways she has traumatized them and left them scarred for life. I mean, I just don't see how that's in the kids' interest. We'll see what the judge says.

*I know, she only held one of her sons hostage. Mother of the Year!

A bold new era in menwear begins:

It was just a regular shirt when that paparazzo put it on that morning, but then Bjork saw it in that New Zealand aiport and added her own magic elf touch. She's an artist, people! The whole world is her canvas. This is her finest work since:

The other night she went on Red Eye with good ol' Greg Gutfeld (whose Daily Gut is another place where I post, sometimes) and said that when she was Stallone's fiancé in the early '90s, he definitely did steroids. Not to mention:

"He juiced me," Dickinson said. "I'd wake up and my arm was as big as Popeye -- steroids, testosterone, all that stuff that people say [mimicking Stallone voice], 'Hey, it's not that good 'cause you get really big, you know what I mean?'"

Of course, she also got pregnant while they were dating and claimed he was the father, but a DNA test proved he wasn't. So who knows. Which face do you trust more, hers or Stallone's?

Hello?

Here goes:

1/10/2008
No

No.

Heh. I don't know who taught her that word, but it's about time she learned it! It would have come in handy in situations like:

• "Hey honey, can I videotape us having sex?"


• "Pam, we'd like to throw you a roast."


• "It's called Barb Wire. Whaddaya think?"


• "Sharing tattoo needles is perfectly safe, right?"


• "Will you marry me?"

I've always been a Diana fan, but last year I woke up one day and decided to paint her name on my forehead - it just felt right.

Felt right, looks tragic. Which also describes all of my outfits throughout high school, but this is another level of embarrassment altogether.

I mean, it's pretty bad when the friggin' SPEARS family thinks your morality is questionable.

What a shame. This has shattered all trust I felt for the overweight non-medical doctor who shills diet pills.

Don't take my word for it just because I have a PhD in Awesome, but my diagnosis is that she has multiple personality disorder:

Britney Spears spoke with a British accent during her stay at Cedars-Sinai hospital last Friday.

"Cheerio, pip-pip, y'all!" If you ever wondered what it would be like if Eliza Doolittle had a missing chromosome, now you know.

It's so rare that I get to apply the Crazy label to a post and mean it in a good way. But seriously:

And in the midst of all that hilarity, she actually made me get a little choked up! Kids in wheelchairs, man. Can't go wrong with them.

Talk about a gruesome twosome. Brad is still hot, but Steve O and ANYBODY makes a gruesome twosome. That said, this sounds like some straight-up made up story designed to make fools of tabloid editors:

A source tells Star he spotted Brad smoking what looked like a joint with Jackass wild man Steve-O on a hot L.A. afternoon. “I couldn’t believe that someone as famous as Brad Pitt would be smoking openly,” the witness says. “But there he was, lighting up a fattie with Steve-O. I was stunned!”

That said, it's just ridiculous enough to be true.

According to Starpulse, she's not allowed to talk for two days before a big show, so:

"It's boring writing notes. I need Stephen Hawking's voice machine so I think and it comes out in a robot voice."

The thinking part might be tough! I would pay good money to watch her take Stephen Hawking's talkin' box away from him. What's he gonna do about it? Although the idea of Mariah Carey rendered mute for days on end has its own appeal. Use those lips to do what they're good for, honey: moving while you read.

Friends: Britney Suffers from 'Psychological Disease'

Really? Hey, somebody should call the producers of The Dark Knight, because based on her behavior on that gurney, they might be able to write her in as the Joker's girlfriend. What was her name, Harley Quinn? Britney is Harley Quinn.

I guess we're all supposed to start feeling sorry for her now, but I don't. She's a multimillionaire who thinks she's above the law, and she's actually managed to make K-Fed look like a good parent. Reap the whirlwind, crunt.

She wants to start trying for a baby with her husband as soon as he gets out of the pokey. Amy thinks that a kid will "add stability" to the life of two heroin addicts. Yeah, just like motherhood made Britney more stable, right? These kids need to start their own support group before they start kindergarten.

I try not to be judgemental (no, really, I do), but there are some things your father is not supposed to see, and your vagina is one of them, Nicole.

TMZ has a live video feed of the doors to the courthouse where K-Fed's lawyer is trying to get him full custody of his kids. Which just got a little easier, now that Britney has been wheeled out of her own home on a gurney and placed under psychiatric evaluation at Cedars-Sinai. And I'm talking about it. And you're reading about it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find an American flag to salute.