A panda in a Tokyo zoo has gone bye-bye. I am posting this by way of illustrating how slow of a news day this is, if gossip blogs are talking about this. How nice would it be if Tom and Katie, Mariah, Lindsay, Paris, Britney, Jessica, and everyone who has ever been associated with The Hills were to fall into a very deep pit filled with very sharp spikes.

I took Treacher's advise and took a couple of dramamines to see Cloverfield. What I really needed was a sickness bag and a bucket to puke in. Twenty five minutes of jerky hand held camera action was enough dizziness for me to throw in the towel and get treated for Vertigo. So here's my four- word review of Cloverfield:
This Movie Sucks bollocks

What did you get me for Christmas?

Britney Britney Britney Britney, Britney Britney, Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney. Britney? Britney! Britney Britney Britney, Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney Britney. Britney Britney...

I don't know about you but posh looks more like poo to me. Notice the writing on the building behind Beckham's head, I think it says "Recycling".

Happy Birthday from all of us. How does it feel to be 21 and finally legal.Do tell...Oh great one.

This should be fun.

We've got a Blowing Smoke prize pack - including a BS t-shirt, hat, poster, and humidipak - for whoever guesses how many days Parasite will actually serve in 'jail'. We're talking total days in custody, whether it's at county or in the Twin Towers medical facility; the brief time she spent at home will count, too.

Give us your best guess in the comments. Good luck!

Which is more embarrassing:

1) Getting arrested for getting blown by a prostitute on Sunset Blvd

I say his most recent arrest should be the most humiliating. If you're going to lob food at paparazzi, at least lob something manly, like a gigantic turkey leg or a side of beef.

A dramatic surge in the popularity of "urine therapy" in Cameroon has prompted the government to ban its consumption and threaten persistent offenders with jail.

So Africa's suffered from famine, drought, an AIDS epedemic, and now piss-drinking is sweeping the continent. Remind me again what we have to learn from tribal societies...?

The douchebag's spokesperson says:

In the best interest of the child, Alec will do what the mother is pathologically incapable of doing ... keeping his mouth shut and obeying the court order. The mother and her lawyer leaked this sealed material in violation of a court order. Although Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the past six years.

Translation: I am a child-like figure, incapable of acting like adult, incapable of sane parenting, and blame everyone but myself for my abusive behavior towards my daughter.

What an ASSHOLE.

I know that Jim has already posted about this, but...In stark contrast to Pamela Anderson's healthy perspective on her own fame, we have John Travolta, who claims:

I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis...

He has obesity on the level of a fat Elvis, but beyond that...um, no. The sad truth is, homeboy would have been more famous if he'd ODd or died in a plane crash immediately after Saturday Night Fever was released.

Residents of a Bleecker St. apartment building were stunned yesterday when their complaints about a foul odour seeping from a 15th-floor apartment led to the discovery of hundreds of pigeons and cannibal mice being raised by a man later detained under the province's mental health act.

The free-flying birds and caged rodents were found crammed inside the small apartment, which was fouled with animal droppings and littered with valuable books and an extensive collection of pornography.

The books and porn were protected with plastic wrappings, a human society inspector said, suggesting the occupant knew his wildlife collection was creating a mess.

This fine sense of priorities is what made me worry it may have been one of our blog's readers, but then the whole part about him reading books reassured me.

I've never been a big St Patty's day celebrant, mostly because forced jollity turns me off. (I also stopped having anything to do with elaborate New Year's Eve plans many years ago.) Call me a killjoy, but there's nothing like knowing that everybody and his annoying, loud brother is going to be out and hammered on Guinness to make me feel like staying at home.

How about you?

They really do make a greeting card for everything these days. Some rejected cards:

I'm sure the kid would have been ugly, so don't sweat it
With a drinking problem like yours, you really had no business having a child anyway
What'd you do that for? You could have traded it for a Fergie CD!

Compared to these guys, anyway:

Chris, 38, has a recognised psychological condition that makes him physically attracted to motors. He has had sex with more than 30 different models in 20 years — plus two motorboats and a pal’s JETSKI.

His weird obsession mirrors that of electrician Karl Watkins, who The Sun revealed was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

Just so we're clear: motors = cars, and pavements = sidewalks. And you thought having the hots for Joy Behar was shameful.

I'm only linking to this piece about how she almost missed her flight to LAX because it illustrates what I think would be the ONLY good thing about being famous:

Paulson says the ticket agent called the pilot and requested that Spears be allowed on the flight: "'I've got Britney Spears here and she wants to get on the plane.'" After a pause, the agent said, "'No, I'm serious. Can we get her on the plane?'" A few seconds later, the agent smiled and nodded to Spears, and the walkway was extended again.

Then again, I can't imagine being a multi-millionaire and not having a private jet. As I said to Kamalski the last time we had dinner, I'd pretty much rather live in a smaller home and forgo all the yachts and washing my hair in Kristal if it meant I never had to fly commercial again. A private jet and a unicorn, that's all I want.

300 based on Frank Millers (Sin City, Robocop 3) graphic novel looks amazing, finally a movie worth going to the theater for. But what I like most about this movie is that Warner Brothers have finally come to their senses and played their cards right with this one. They shied away from big overrated expensive bullshit actors and stuck with great talent delivering great performances like Gerard Butler (Beowulf & Grendel, Dear Frankie) and Lena Heady (The Brothers Grimm, The Cave).
A $60 million dollar budget that focused on pure production essence with lots of blue screen sets and beaucoup CGI backgrounds.
Movie opens March 9th. This is going to be a Gem on Bue Ray.

Martin Scorsese has done a lot of long dull boring movies. But I think finally the poor bastard might walk away with an Oscar for ‘The Departed’. The fact that he’s an East Coast product would not come into play this year. Born in Queens, New York, which happens to be the only trait I like about Scorsese since I love New York and its status as the cultural capital of the United States.

The line up for this year’s Oscars is anemic at best and Ellen DeGenerate has a tough task keeping the audience at home awake. I think she will deliver (at least for the first hour).

If “The Departed” wins, it won’t be because of Scorsese. The credit goes to the great cast in the movie and for that reason Leonardo might get the nod as well for best actor. It’s a perfect scenario for the Scorsese/Dicaprio connection. According to Starpulse News Blog, Martin Scorsese likens Leonardo Dicaprio to Robert De Niro. That’s a shame because I really credit Scorsese’s fame to De Niro in “Taxi”. It was De Niro’s performance and not Scorsese’s direction. It could have easily said directed by Stanley Kubrick or Oliver Stone and the result would have been the same, or perhaps better.

In any event, the tube will be on, and my two schnauzers Aloysius and Apprentice are in the market for a new wardrobe and can’t wait to watch the Red Carpet for ideas on the next hideous ugly looks they can sport while I tune in to go fug yourself for endless laughs.

More proof, as if we needed it...

Jim Carrey, who loves him some 'shrooms:

I could be the next Kathie Lee Gifford...I feel like I know something. These thoughts make me feel like I’m wearing gold shoes.

Madonna, predictably deluded, as ever:

I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon – but I want to stay alive.

Bobby Trendy, if you consider him a celebrity, said this about Anna Nicole Smith:

Thank Anna for making me famous. When you think of Anna, think of red, white and pink hearts. She was love as she taught love. She was the breadwinner and supported four people by baring her breasts and genitals for men and women. She was an entertainer who will be missed.

'Mountains Of Trash' Inside Car Blamed For Crash:

Police in West Yarmouth said there was so much trash in 53-year-old Ann Ann Biglan's Ford Focus that some of it fell onto the gas and brake pedals, causing her to lose control.

While losing control, Biglan drove through a post office parking space, over the curb and across a freeway. She then hit a Ford Explorer and backed over another sidewalk before finally crashing into a flowerpot in a gas station's parking lot.

Say what you will about my horribly disorganized closet (and, you know, life), but it has never, ever caused a car accident.

The sad thing is, I would actually buy these...for my muggers. Then again, maybe Human Garbage is a little too polite.

At the moment, I happen to be the motherfucking pretty girl . . . The pretty girl who goes to the hot spot sure does look like she goes out all the time, right?

As Michael K says, douchebag.

My buddy Chris Yeh pointed me towards this Wall Street Journal piece on a survey of multi-millionaires on their sex lives. Prince & Associates polled 600 people with net worths exceeding $30 million and a mean net worth of $89 million. The result? Mo' money, mo' hot sex, mo' adultery. Also, female multi-millionaires are hot, nasty sluts!

Fully 63% of rich men said wealth gave them “better sex,�? which they defined as having more-frequent sex with more partners. That compares to 88% of women who said more money gave them better sex, which they defined as “higher quality�? sex.

...The women in the survey were almost twice as likely than their male counterparts to have “more adventurous and exotic�? sex lives than they did before they were wealthy. They were also more than twice as likely than men to be members of the “mile high club,�? meaning they’ve had sex on an airplane. Fully 72% of the female respondents said they were mile-high-club members, compared to 33% of the men. (Both numbers are larger than the norms even for the wealthy for a simple reason: All the survey respondents owned jets or shares in jets.)

As if suffering the lines and indignities of airports wasn't reason enough to dream of a private jet...

Or it's a charlie horse or something. Ouch! Well, here's a picture of Rachel Hunter lounging around in a bikini to tide you over.

(thx, derek) I don't know who the guy is, but he should be the one playing Harry Osborn in the Spider-Man movies.

(If you don't get it, congratulations, you are a useful member of society.)

Chad Lowe is boring. It's pretty bad when you need Hilary "Teeth" Swank to spice up your profile. Not even drug addiction did anything to make us give a damn about this dude. (He's on 24 soon, though, which will probably pique Treacher's interest.)

See also: Keri Russell.

But with all the stories about how he might be impregnating his favorite girlfriend, Holly "The One" Madison, how can I not? Even my fiance, who studiously avoids all celebrity 'news', knew about this one - hell, he's the one who told me about it. (Maybe he has a secret Hef News RSS feed? Sick. The wedding's off!)

Anyway, the teenage daughter of a good friend of mine is really good friends with Hef's two teenage sons, Marston and Cooper. They live with their mom, Hef's ex-wife Kimberly, in a house on the same grounds as the Playboy Mansion. Apparently their life is super-normal, except for the part where they're teenage boys who routinely throw parties at the Playboy Mansion for all their high school buds.

When I was a kid, my folks would often tell me to go play in traffic, but I was never motivated enough to follow through. (For real, my little brother did actually wander out of the house at 5 AM, wearing only his diaper, when he was 2 years old. I guess you can tell who got all the talent in our family.)

Patrick Enright is my new hero.

He writes about why Ben Stiller isn't funny anymore, but his theory in general has a deep truth to it.

Whether you agree with this or not, this video-piece by one of the guys behind "Airplane" is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

Let’s enjoy the holidays and the few remaining days of the year without the mention of any of the elite members of the R.P. club, Paris, Britney, and Lindsey. I am sick and tired of that smelly group.
In case you’re wondering, R.P. stands for Rotten Pussy.

Scientists say global warming is making seals get it on more. Just think, every time you fill up your car, you're putting a smile on a seal's face. Or, I don't know, do they wag their tails? They have tails, right?

*No, I'm not even trying today.

Before you tell your boss to "Take this job and shove it," it's probably a good idea to make sure that your 'winning' lottery ticket actually has the right numbers on it.

What gets me is that this guy thought he'd one £1 million, which is just under $2 million. And he genuinely thought he was set for life on that much money. I think that makes him more of an idiot than celebrating his non-win so stupidly.

This might be a girl thing, but every time I meet someone really ugly or otherwise revolting, I am immediately flooded with mental images of what it would be like to have sex with that person. It's horrific. So you can imagine how troubled my poor brain is after seeing this picture of Carrot Top and this one of Larry King.

Okay, which do I care about least?

Eva Longwhoria is engaged to Tony Parker

Britney Spears went to CVS

Britney Spears is bisexual

Selma Blair and Ahmet Zappa divorce

Well, at least that last one isn't about someone we hear about EVERY NANOSECOND OF EVERY DAY.

Believe me, I'm not bragging. KFed was boning porn star Kendra Jade, who is my buddy Luke Ford's best friend. Two degrees is way too close for comfort in this case. Should I get tested for gonorrhea?

When Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson got married, I said:

These two lovebirds are planning four wedding ceremonies in all, one for each month of their marriage.

Turns out I was too optimistic by a couple of days.

British scientists have developed a revolutionary pill that men could take as a one-off contraceptive just before a date. The tablet would prevent a man from being able to impregnate a woman, but within a few hours his fertility would return to normal.

Would you take it?

NOTE: This post is kind of serious, not lighthearted at all. There are no mentions of Parasite Hilton or boobies. You've been warned.

This weekend, I attended and spoke at Liberty 2006, a conference for those who want to bring about a more free world. Yes, it was pretty geeky, but also a lot of fun. Really.

One presentation really sickened and angered me, though. John Pendal from the Spanner Trust spoke about the fact that British law bans consenting adults from deriving sexual pleasure from certain activities. Yeah, I thought it was just backwards southern US states that outlawed this kind of thing. (Sex toys are still illegal in Alabama, for example.) But no, the UK is just as backward.

Wisconsinite Bryan James Hathaway charged with banging a dead deer he found on the side of the road. His lawyer is arguing that it isn't illegal since the poor critter had already passed on, because he's a lawyer.

But hey, who am I to judge? I think we've all been there: You're lonely, you're ready to give up, and suddenly God smiles down and you turn around and there he/she/it is. If it happens to be an animal carcass rotting in a ditch, so be it. Nobody said love was meant to last, so you take it while you can get it. Leave him alone, you racists.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, but the news that Beck (one of Tom Cruise's Scientology buddies) was plying Keith Urban with champagne, despite it being common knowledge that Urban was a recovering drug and alcohol abuser, is a little suspicious. At the very least, Beck is a shitty friend for taking the alcoholic Urban drinking. At worst, he may have helped Tom Cruise play a nasty trick on his ex-wife. Either way, I hope I don't get sued for wondering about this.

Linking to a list of entertainment news items that are in no way interesting because you can't think of anything to say about any of them either.

"Brangelina" and "TomKat" Are for Amateurs: Worst Possible Celebrity Couple Mashup Names

Candice Bergen + Sir Paul McCartney = Cansir
Penelope Cruz + Don Johnson = Pedo
Phoebe Cates + Art Garfunkel = Phart
Craig Kilborn + Joy Behar = Kiljoy
Ray Romano + Penelope Ann Miller = Raypen
Jet Li + Nastassja Kinski = Jetski
Tupac + Morgan Fairchild = Tumor
Maura Tierney + Ron Perlman = Mauron
Notorious B.I.G. + Amy Sedaris = B.I.G.amy
Pras + Tate Donovan = Prastate
Mo Rocca + Lester Holt = Molester
Louis CK + Helen Hunt = Ckhunt

That's not the disgusting part. The disgusting part is that she's claiming it was an "accident" and she's "very upset." Look, if you're gonna be a diva, be a diva. If some old bag doesn't want to get hit with a personal computer thrown by a furious semi-celebrity with traces of Sheen DNA still on and in her, the withered crone should get a motorized wheelchair that can scoot her crippled ass out of the way in time. No more warnings!

Hope she knows what she's doing. Where's she going to find another man like that? (ANSWER: Next to the dumpster behind an Arby's.)

It would be fun to watch him try to interview Borat. Both characters are all about throwing off the other guy's rhythm, forcing people to think outside the usual boundaries of everyday conversation. They're dicks, in other words. I don't know if they'd complement each other's styles or if it'd be a trainwreck, but I'd love to see it.

Just a dumb thought, go back to Perez Hilton or whatever you were doing.

"Married and bored, or single and lonely - ain't no happiness nowhere."

So says Chris Rock, who's apparently just chosen single and lonely, in his stand-up routine. I was just watching this one last week (I love me some Chris Rock):

Maureen Dowd is a joy-sucking lamia.

Borat is not very niiiiice.

Tracy Morgan is tolerable.

More like Godney Dangerfield: I loved this guy. When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do, is take a look at...er, the Rodney Dangerfield quotes on Wikiquote. Some of my faves:

When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, 'Is there someone else?' She said, 'There must be.'

The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own. He said "So will you."

I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

Don't even get me started on the rich quote mine that is Caddyshack, where Dangerfield's character uttered some real gems:

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

If you didn't smile, you must be a European human rights lawyer.

XM launched a backup satellite on Monday to replace a couple of their old, busted ones, and you can watch the video of the launch here. (It doesn't get going until about 45 seconds whoops, 13 minutes in.) It's awesome that they spend millions of dollars to put these cutting-edge satellites in space just so I can listen to fart jokes and '80s New Wave anytime I want.

(thx ryan)

That's one of the pen names of the ultra-prolific, compulsively readable crime fiction writer Donald E. Westlake. He's written something like 90 books, over 20 of them as Stark. Stark's best-known character is Parker, a single-minded and utterly pragmatic thief (and sometimes murderer, if the job doesn't go well (and it never does)). Stark put out 16 Parker novels in the '60s and early '70s, then there was nothing for over 20 years, then the aptly titled Comeback in 1997. They've tried to put Parker in the movies from time to time, never using his actual name for some reason, but they've never really been able to capture him on film. Stephen King, Dan Simmons, Max Allan Collins, and many other writers are Parker fanatics.

I haven't read any of the older Parker novels yet, but it sounds to me like in the new ones he picks up right where he left off, except now it's the Internetty present and somehow he's not any older. Kind of like James Bond, except not corny. I just finished Firebreak, which is a gem, and I can't wait to read the next one in the series, Breakout. Stark/Westlake is over 70 and he's outwriting guys half his age. He and Elmore Leonard. Okay, enough babbling, here are some links.

• The Violent World of Parker (Be sure to check out "Not Quite Parker")
• First lines to the Parker books. My favorite is from Firebreak: "When the phone rang, Parker was in the garage, killing a man."
• What if Stark had written The Da Vinci Code? (HINT: It would be better.)
• Westlake's official site

Who gives a shit. One minute I'm so excited to go treat-or-treating I can't even see straight; the next, I'm the creepy guy in the neighborhood who never turns his lights on or answers the door when the little bastards come around for their stupid candy. Just another reminder of how far short I've fallen in life. Eat a dick, Halloween.

Internet porn cures rape?

(thx bumpshack)

What if Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about baseball?

(thx alan)

This is stupid: National Public Radio wants the FCC to recall modulators from satelliate radio stations like Sirius and XFM XM. Apparently they emit really strong magic rays (or something) and can end up breaking into normal radio frequencies, interrupting what people are listening to. The example of religious programs being interrupted by Howard Stern was too good an example for the radio stations to pass up, so they didn't. Now, NPR is saying the interruptions "pose a significant threat to public radio". Well, if so, that's great - why should we all have to bankroll some stupid radio station out of our taxes? But Mike Masnick is calling bullshit:

There's nothing wrong with recalling the devices if they do exceed the set specs, but it's hardly such a threat. In fact, as the article notes, when the modulators are set to the proper levels, it's possible that the reverse happens: and NPR signals will break into people listening to Howard Stern on their satellite radio. Will that pose just as significant a threat?

British surgeons have been given permission to attempt full face transplants. Doesn't this set a dangerous precedent? Won't Britons line up for blocks to get new faces from other, more attractive nations, such as [insert list of every country on Earth besides Britain]?

Two little shits in Sioux Falls, SD, age 7 and 10, did $50,000 damage to their neighbor's house in the space of an hour:

"We had a huge, huge, chandelier in the dining room. They threw potatoes and onions to shatter that and the shards of glass went into the wall," Schleder says. "Huge holes in a big screen TV. Entertainment center shattered. Everything! Anything you could ever imagine is destroyed in our house."

Check the link for pictures of the damage. It looks like drunk Vikings went through the house, not two grade-schoolers. If that was my house, I'd make the little bastards pick up all that broken glass with their teeth and assholes. Then would begin the beatings.

Okay, I don't even own an XBox (Kamal's the XBox freak around here), but I'm totally boycotting them for inviting KFed to the launch party for Gears of War. Then again, the party was at a cemetery, so maybe they were being subtly nasty. But I'm afraid subtly nasty just isn't nasty enough when it comes to KFed, so my boycott will continue.

He must have just seen Marie Antoinette, I guess.

In other O&A news, they're claiming credit for helping keep Jerry Springer on Dancing with the Stars despite the fact that he meets neither criterion found in the title. Which is almost good enough reason for me to start watching that show. Almost.

Well, that was money well spent: Thanks to an expensive study, the Kinsey Institute just figured out that men think about sex all the time. I'm sure their next study will reveal that guys also scratch their balls frequently, too.

The only possible "shock" I'd get from this story would be if Anna Nicole Smith's baby was the result of a loving long-term relationship with a nice guy who cared about her for who she is inside. I mean, that would be fucking insane.

Sometimes the playground teaches you how to get through life. If we start banning tag and dodgeball in elementary schools, what are kids going to do when they get out in the real world and somebody hits them in the head with a big rubber ball? And the gym teacher makes fun of them for crying and the whole class laughs and that just makes them cry more? I'm throwing out hypotheticals here.

It's hard for me to care about yet another rapper getting shot, much like it's hard for me to care about yet another heiress or pop star... well, doing anything. But reading this account of the Fabolous shooting brings me back to third grade. Some mean boys stole something from the popular kid, and the popular kid got one of his friends to hurt the mean boys. Most of us outgrow that kid of behavior. Okay, some of us. A few of us? But when you've got a record company or a major sports franchise behind you, there's no need to grow up.

Sting complaining that today's rock music is boring is like Parasite Hilton bitching that today's celebrities are stupid, talentless, worthless wastes of human life.

They tasted blood with that Croc Hunter guy, and now they're jumping up into boats and stabbing old guys in the chest. There were like 5 stingray attacks in the whole history of mankind up until last month, and now 2 in a row? "Holy shit, we can do that? I didn't even know we could do that!" They've obviously had enough of their human oppressors and the revolution has begun. Fuck a stingray, I ain't going fishing without my kevlar.

Yeah, because celebrities aren't known for being total hypocrites, especially when they try to lecture people about the environment. Gag me with a silver spoon.

The only difference between you and Steve Wynn is that...well, he has tens of millions of dollars to blow on one Picasso painting. I'm sure, though, that when he poked a big ass hole in said painting, his wife still gave him a fair amount of earache over it. A woman's critical faculties are not dulled by love. (Quite the contrary, some would say.)

When does that ever happen! (BTW, I liked him in that movie because he plays an Irish drunk who sweats a lot. Seriously, there's one scene where he looks like somebody set off the sprinkler system. You could catch fish in his armpits. His sweat glands had their own trailer. Moistness is the idea I'm trying to get across here.)

Ben Folds, "Rockin' the Suburbs"

Weird Al Yanovic directed it. Check out the thing where The A.V. Club asks Al what's on his iPod.

I mean, he must have the same feeds I do lined up in his RSS reader, since he has so many damn opinions about celebrities all'a sudden. I got my excuses for doing it, but how come a billionaire is spending so much time following the trials and tribulations of Britney and KFed? The Donald was 'interviewed' by Larry King, and to sum up what he had to say: Angelina Jolie is ugly, Angelina Jolie is a filthy slut, Angelina Jolie is heartless, Parasite Hilton is a smart businesswoman, Parasite Hilton is "very beautiful"...Say no more, homeboy's lost his mind.

I was thinking GyouTube, but then I tried saying it out loud and figured it might be offensive. What say you???

From Contactmusic.com

DAVID HASSELHOFF has shocked students at an Irish university by confessing his vehicular KNIGHT RIDER co-star was gay. Talking car KITT appeared alongside Hasselhoff's crime-fighting character MICHAEL KNIGHT in the hit 1980s TV show, but Hasselhoff admits their relationship was far from professional. Addressing students at Trinity College in Dublin last month, the actor reveals, "We have some fairly X-rated outtakes on 'Knight Rider. "Kitt was constantly asking, 'Do you want me to take you home Michael?' in that very camp voice of his.'"

Makes sense to me. "Oh Michael, you're inside me." KITT = AIDS

This guy is working three shifts a week at McDonalds, despite being 83-years-old. Before that, he was a bus driver. Don't let anyone tell you dreams don't come true.

Did I ever mentioni that, when George Michael decides to blaze up and jump in his car, he's often found semi-conscious behind the wheel about a quarter mile from my house? No, I haven't mentioned that, because a) it happens so often and b) who cares? Seriously, if you're in your 40s, a multi-millionaire, and a burnout who can't hold his smoke, at least have the courtesy not to drive around any neighborhood, let alone mine.

Rod Stewart, whose first child was born in 1964 and who had his seventh with his girlfriend last year, says he's going to knock her up one more time and then "close the office". Since he's taken to dressing head-to-toe in pink and carrying a stroller, I think that's a wise move.

Peter Bjorn and John, "Young Folks"

Eagles of Death Metal, "Speaking in Tongues"

Bumpshack has The 10 Most Hated Celebrities in Hollywood. It's the ones you'd expect: Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, K-Fed, Stupid Tara Reid, etc. My most hated celebrity is, was, and always will be Earl Holliman. Why? None of your goddamn business.

I came up with some pretty lame excuses for doing dumb shit in high school, but I think the kids who claim that a guy grinding his crotch against a girl's ass is "like the jitterbug" have surpassed all standards for yeah-rightisms.

"We were raised to dance like that," senior Kayla Bisson said.

Only if you grew up on the set of Snoop Dogg's Doggystyle, which I doubt.

"We go to a dance to have fun, and you telling us how to dance is not fun," [senior Caitlind] Cooper said.

Honestly, these brats make my ovaries shrivel up like Clay Aiken's nuts. If my kid ever turned out like this, I'd be making a bee-line for the closest orphanage.

"Eventually, things may change and this may be considered mild," said parent Cheryl Hunter.

Yeah, it may be considered mild once dance floor rape is the norm, but until then, I'm thinking it's a little uncool for 18-year-old guys to be shoving their dicks against 13-year-old girls, at school, and thinking the administration is being unfair in telling them not to do it. Aren't these little jerks rather old to be screaming "No fair!" when they don't get their way?

Ugh. I weep for the future.

*Emphasis on the 'crotch'<