I know you guys hate it when we talk about dumb stuff like books, but the Bad Sex Awards are always a lot of fun. Here are some of the less obscene contenders for this year's award:

There was more kissing suddenly and it came about quickly that her blouse and bra were on the floor and Philip was deliciously engrossed in the festival of her breasts and mouth. (Conrad Williams, The Concert Pianist)

Oh Jack, she was moaning now, her curves pushed up against me, her crotch taut against my bulging trousers, her hands gripping fistfuls of my hair. She reaches for my belt. I groan too, in expectation. (Iain Hollingshead, Twentysomething)

As she reaches inside [my trousers] I spin her around, pushing her forward over the grey plastic tarpaulin which covers the billiard table. With both hands I push up her skirt, feeling her wriggling her hips to help me. (Hugo Rifkind, Overexposure)

Yet in the friction of their final lunge there was an anticipation of more than arrival. Their jerking bodies prefigured the bondage of shackled partners. They both sensed this and struggled to avoid it - backpedalling into the present. (Will Self, The Book of Dave)

If you think you can write even worse sex scenes than these, feel free to have a go in the comments.