"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able," the 42-year-old actor reveals in Esquire magazine's October issue, on newsstands Sept. 19.

That explains why they've had to adopt. And why "her" "pregnancy" came to term in some backwards-ass African country: No paparazzi, plenty of surrogate mothers to choose from. Just give the lucky gal some shiny beads, she puts her "X" on an NDA, and 9 months later you and your shemale are set.

Pitt also describes his parenting style:

"I try not to stifle them in any way," he says. "If it's not hurting anyone, I want them to be able to explore. Sometimes that means they're quite rambunctious... I feel it's really important to have that time to sit and talk to them. I really like that last minute before they fade off. And always give them a heads-up before you jerk them out of something. You need to tell them, like, 'You have three more minutes.'"

Whatever happened to the good old days? They say Bing Crosby used to beat his kids with a belt until he drew blood. (Anything after that would be excessive.) Hell, if I didn't go to sleep at night, my old man would send me off to dreamland with a sweet little knuckle lullaby to the jaw. And that was up until my junior year. In college. And I turned out fuh. I turned out ffffffuh-fuh-fuh. I turned out okay.

(For more on why stars shouldn't be parents, see Hollywood, Interrupted.)