For the new documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated, director Kirby Dick hired private eyes to find out the super-secret identities of members of the MPAA's Certification and Rating Administration. They're the ones who decide what rating a movie gets, and until now their methods and identities have been top secret. If you're a director and you want to know why your movie is, say, an R instead of a PG-13, you're likely to hear, "None of your goshdarn business." All you can do is file an appeal and keep making cuts until you get the rating you want. I think that's how it works, anyway. I have about as much connection to the movie biz as Teri Hatcher does to the catering industry.

Anyhoo, wouldn't it be great if movies had ratings that really told us whether we wanted to sit through them?*

A: Avoid
NB: No Boobs
COW: Contains Owen Wilson
WFC: Wait For Cable
CGI: Cash-Generating Idiocy
PG-65: Harrison Ford or Michael Douglas vehicle
GTOB: Gay-Themed Oscar-Bait
CLOONEY: Outspoken TV Actor Has Read a Book, Congratulations

*And when I say "us," I mean "me." And by "great" I mean "not funny." And by the previous two sentences, I mean "Observe as I rip off The Superficial."