No, seriously: Calling this shitty is an insult to turds.

This worthless celebrity is growing on me! Here's his advice on how to tell if a girl is up for buttlove:

If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool.

He may just be my hero. Kill me NOW.

She acts like a lunatic because...of the weather.

The sun makes people do crazy things.

The next time I get busted for drunk and disorderly and possession of a controlled substance, I'm totally using that excuse.

If I seem preoccupied with GTA IV lately, you're just going to have to deal with it. I don't really consider myself a game guy, but this thing is amazing. These guys could be curing cancer, but instead they decided to use their genius to make me believe I'm running down pedestrians and shooting cops. Bless them.

Her real name is Danielle Fishel, but I know you all were as into Boy Meets World as I was. She will always be Topanga to me. I still wonder if she had a sister named Van Nuys.

Anyway, I always thought she was cute as hell and still do. She's 27 today, so a bit over the hill, but can still work it as a slightly squat version of Angelina Jolie. I think that's the highest praise she's ever received...and I'm being kind not to go into the sordid details of how she begged Lance Bass to pop her cherry.

She just turned 60, and celebrated by getting two tattoos. In her words:

Why not?

If you have to ask that about an old woman - even one who looks as good as Sarandon - getting inked on her saggy skin, well, you're already lost. So yeah, why not?

You should make a GTA IV IV. That way, people can feed themselves intravenously without having to do silly things like cook or leave the house or move from one spot for like a whole day at a time. Great Tasting Atrophy!

On Page Six today:

"ON April 23 we reported that the fiancée of Gregg "Opie" Hughes, one half of the Opie and Anthony radio show, was involved in an X-rated sex video with MTV star Bam Margera. We reported that Hughes was taking legal action against a disgruntled ex-employee of the radio duo who had acquired the rights to the video. We have since learned that this information, supplied by Steppin' Out's Chaunce Hayden, was entirely incorrect. There is no sex tape. Further, Hughes' fiancée has never met the MTV star. The Post sincerely regrets the error."

A newspaper admitting when it gets a story totally wrong? A newspaper called the New York Post? Signs and wonders.

This series is just begging for some clever captions. But something about the faintly ridiculous meeting the totally ridiculous makes the pictures worthwhile even without words.

Welcome to my hot Friday night! You can watch the whole thing starting here. If the first five minutes are anything to go on - with Katie Holmes telling Tom "I love you" many times over in her oh-so convincing manner, Oprah gushing how the multi-million dollar kitchen in the multi-million dollar Telluride home is "so normal!" - this is going to be some crazy, nauseating viewing. But then I expected as much. Pass the barley water!

I definitely wish we'd had Google when I was a teenager, so I could have plagiarized more easily on my school reports, but this video makes me sort of glad I grew up in the olden days. This kid makes my little brother look positively loving and mature by comparison, but I can't say I don't admire his work: